Amir LevineCritiques

Best book on Attachment Theory that I've encountered yet. If you're looking for a place to start learning about attachment, this is a good one. Has lots of explicit examples, including ways to tweak interactions to make them go in a healthier direction.

Great book on how we relate to others based on our attachment styles: Secure, anxious, or avoidant. Super helpful if you've ever had trouble in relationships before, or found yourself unable to figure out why a partner or date behaved a certain way. I picked this book up while trying to figure out my last relationship, and mostly, what I learned from it. I never realized I had an anxious attachment style, and for the most part, my current relationship still flares up my anxiety every now and then, but being with him is bringing me closer to a secure attachment style. And also why, in my last relationship with someone I now recognize as an avoidant, it made my insecurities and anxieties so much worse.

It also talks about the anxious-avoidant "trap" and why they're usually attracted to each other. It explained a lot about why I had such a hard time leaving my last boyfriend, even though I knew he wasn't right for me, early on. Because I kept trying to "fix" his avoidance, making me more and more anxious in the meantime. Now I understand why he was the way he was, and if I were to ever find myself back in the dating pool again, I'd recognize avoidant men and, well, avoid them.

The tips on improving communication with different types was also immensely helpful. The stories of real-life couples made describing and understanding the styles so much easier and more relateable.

But upon reading up more about attachment styles, I noticed there was one style missing, and that was the fearful avoidant. I would have loved it if they included this type of attachment in the book, because some of us do identify that way. Other than that, very well done and recommended for everyone in a relationship or actively seeking one to read this, even if you're secure. It's really handy in learning how we relate to others, and explaining why others may relate to us in a certain way. I honestly think most people, if not everyone, can benefit from this book in some way.

While this book seems based on a simplistic view of attachment, with three main types identified: secure, anxious, and avoidant, the authors somehow manages to add depth to these concepts and really make them work. I found it a very revealing read about my own behaviour and the evolution of my marriage through divorce. The book reads well, and swiftly, and I found I couldn't put it down. It led to several very thoughtful days for me and a decision to try and redesign my approach to intimate relationships. Highly recommended.

Feels like a decent intro to the information but doesn't really do well as an audiobook. There are a lot of charts that are referenced that you cant actually see in this format.

If you're even slightly worried that you may be "clingy" (which would indicate that you have the anxious attachment type) then this book might fix your whole outlook on love and romance.

If you're not, then this book doesn't really have much for you, though it kind of claims it does.

I recognize me of the past as being 'anxious', but me of the present as being 'secure'. The book had lots of information for past-me that explained previous unhealthy relationship patterns, so past-me felt quite good about it.

However, present-me got very little from it -- maybe some communication tips, but there are much more extensive books about that out there.

The part I disliked though was the assumption that these types are fixed (they say they're 'plastic' and some amount of people do switch in their lifetimes, but also then go on to treat them like fixed characteristics).

Again, 4 stars though because if you are part of their target attachment group (anxious) then it really will help you analyze your romantic patterns and hopefully improve them for the better.

Great book. Wish I had found it earlier in life!

7 stars: Good

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From the back cover: We already rely on science to tell us what to eat, when to exercise, and how long to sleep. Why not use science to help us improve our relationships? In this revolutionary book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller scientifically explain why why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle.

Discover how an understanding of adult attachment—the most advanced relationship science in existence today—can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:

• Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back
• Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
• Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.


Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.

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I read this not to "find love" but to understand myself and potential and actual partners more. I found it to be decent, but not phenomenal. This is an older book and perhaps when it came out it was more revolutionary but now the ideas of secure, avoidant, and anxious attachment are infused in our psychological culture. Still, I had some learnings and it was worth my time to read. Keeping for the time being as a result.

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"The first misconception is that everyone has the same capacity for intimacy. We've been raised to believe that every person can fall deeply in love (this part might well be true) and that when this happens, he or she will be transformed into a different person (this part is not!)... when one person's need for closeness is met with another person's need for independence and distance, a lot of unhappiness ensues.½

I wanted a pop-science book about attachment to read along side the recommended text ( Wallin's Attachment in Psychotherapy ) and this didn't disappoint. A quick easy read with loads of information on the research and practical, simplified examples and fun activities. . . Also so many things in my life make sense now

All the core information would fit in a long-form article, but interesting and useful insights.

Rather than horoscopes or gender stereotypes, this book gives cogent, scientifically-backed explanations of three major attachment styles. As someone who is a textbook case of what they call the "anxious" prototype, I thought being able to analyze what I want and not feel like it was "less-than" was a novel experience.

I'd recommend this book to anyone, regardless of where your relationship status is at the moment.

Excellent countercurrent advice for anxious attachment types: stop worrying about looking needy and directly state your needs, then evaluate accordingly , patiently. Find secure types who will be direct, consistently available and consistently reassuring within directly stated and reasonable limits that don't change mysteriously.
Shira
August 1st, 12016 HE (the Holocene Calendar)

Excellent countercurrent advice for anxious attachment types: stop worrying about looking needy and directly state your needs, then evaluate accordingly , patiently. Find secure types who will be direct, consistently available and consistently reassuring within directly stated and reasonable limits that don't change mysteriously.
Shira
August 1st, 12016 HE (the Holocene Calendar)

Argues that there are three attachment styles for adult romantic relationships as well as parent-child relationships: anxious, avoidant, and secure. You can change your behavior and some people even transition from one style to another, ideally to secure. The authors say that anxious & avoidant are culturally associated with women & men, respectively, but that this is not really borne out by the numbers (shocking, I know). Sadly, anxious and avoidant people are often drawn to one another, creating the worst possible dynamic where anxious people up the drama to ensure that they’re really loved and avoidant people withdraw further—each reaffirms the other’s beliefs about themselves and about relationships, in that the avoidant person gets to feel strong and independent and reluctant to be tied down, while the anxious person gets to feel that they’re more intensely committed than their partner and their anticipation of ultimately being let down is confirmed. When one’s emotional needs are met, one can be more secure and turn attention outwards—a kind of independence through effective dependence.

Anxious people engage in protest behavior when they’re not getting their needs met, and it’s generally not very helpful—either constant attempts to stay in contact, or withdrawing/giving the silent treatment until the other person reforms/acting hostile/threatening to leave. Avoidant people want to remain distant so don’t invest in reading others’ emotional cues, and send mixed signals so that every move towards intimacy has a withdrawal associated instead; they pre-reject people defensively. They may resist commitment, hyperfocus on small imperfections in a partner, avoid saying “I love you,” obsess over “the one who got away,” etc. They train themselves not to care about how their partners are feeling, because “that’s not my job”—which makes the relationship less close and connected. They tend to treat the people closest to them the worst. Unfortunately, secure people don’t tend to spend a lot of time on the market, because they tend to get in committed relationships when things click (though they can still screw up and even end up in abusive relationships; their willingness to get past transgressions can keep them in long-term relationships where they feel responsible for their partner’s happiness), while avoidant people are more likely to be in the dating pool and they don’t date each other—so this means that anxious types face some real problems. The anxious person should work on saying directly what she needs, because her needs for love and reassurance are not shameful or silly, nor are they good or bad: they’re just her needs. Stating those needs may indeed scare off avoidant partners, but that’s probably a good idea; otherwise the avoidant partner is in charge of the amount of closeness in rhe relationship. The avoidant person should also be able to state her needs for space, without devaluing the other person’s needs, and should relax her position that each person is solely responsible for her own emotional needs: partnership involves taking some of that responsibility, and if you stay in a relationship a long time, giving mixed signals, it’s unfair to the other person to say “I told you at the start I wasn’t sure about commitment.”

The advice to think about a relationship with a pet as a model was hilarious, but made sense in context. “[W]e tend to perceive our pets as selfless and loving despite their many misdemeanors: They wake us up at night, destroy our valuables, and demand our undivided attention, yet we tend to overlook those behaviors and feel positively toward them. In fact, our connection with our pets is an excellent example of a secure presence in our lives… [W]e don’t assume our pets are doing things purposely to hurt us, we don’t hold grudges even when they eat something they shouldn’t or make a mess, we still greet them warmly when we come home (even after a rough day at the office), and we stick by them no matter what.” We assume good faith, which is what the authors suggest we should do with relationships. The obvious problem, only hinted at in the text, is that this is a bad idea if the relationship is really toxic or abusive, and the person is gaslighting you—in theory, speaking directly about your own needs and leaving if the person won’t provide for them should avoid that, but in practice I imagine it’s much harder.½

Audible offered this book to me for free for Valentines day, so I thought I would give it a listen. I'm glad I did. Understanding attachment theory gives me a complete change in perspective and helps me understand myself in ways I didn't before.

This was a free audible last year. It was interesting to listen to it. It covers the research in adult attachment and found that adult attachments are the same styles as infants, anxious, avoidant and secure. Then it covered how the different combinations might react to each. There is a survey that the reader can take to determine their style and some hints on how to determine the partners style. The next part covers basically effective communication skills. For an audio self help at first it seemed kind of silly but then I realized that a person can access each chapter to access the different parts so it actually could be used as a self help. An interesting fact for those that are older and still in the dating field. The pool of possibilities are mostly made up of avoidants because they are the ones who don't get married or attached so easily. It isn't that they don't want to be in an intimate relationship but their style keeps them from it. Overall, it was okay, the readers were clear and easy to follow. The material was useful and I don't really need it personally at my age but we all can get better at effective communication but I think it will be a handy resource for my job working with people.

This review is limited to the audio book.

I felt like I would have gotten more out of actually reading the book instead of listening to it. This is a rarity for me. I enjoy listening to books during longer drives and while doing chores.

As a happily married man I do think I was able to identify my role in our marriage and how my wife and I can better interact and live with each other. Marriage is work. It's happy work but work nonetheless.

This book is probably more helpful for people who are a little less self aware and are single. I fall into neither of these categories. I did learn some very interesting things about the research in this book.

I'm guessing I would have given the book another star had I actually read it in paper form or if I were younger and single.

Reviews are so damn personal aren't they?

I still have to do the exercises and then read through it again, but this book was definitely an eye-opener. I love science! It's about time we got something else useful out of psychology. The anxious-avoidant trap is one in which I've been living for years, and it is disturbing how common it is, but this book provides great tools for finding a secure partner and staying out of those traps. I still have some questions, but I'll hopefully find the answers in the next, more complex book I read about the subject.

Interesting book. I don't think I was really the intended audience, since I'm already in a secure relationship, but I really appreciated the validation of my feelings - that it's OK and completely natural/programmed into our genes to depend on a partner for emotional stability.

The three types of attachment styles defined in the book are secure, anxious, and avoidant. I definitely have the anxious one, and if I had not found a secure mate to attach myself to years ago, I would have had major issues if I were still dating. This book would have helped a lot though. Highly recommended if you deeply crave frequent intimacy and exhibit a strong attachment to/dependence on your romantic partners.

This book was such a revelation for me! Before reading it, I was only slightly familiar with attachment theory but after reading it, I can see how attachment theory applies to relationships. Whether you're anxious, secure or avoidant, this helps to explain so many relationship issues people have. Attachment really helped shed a lot of light on the issues in my relationships. I see now that people have different capacities for intimacy. Some people have a need and desire to be close and intimate and others do not. These needs aren't bad but the authors explain why it is so important for people to be with other people who can fulfill their intimacy needs and to leave relationships where those needs aren't being met. I love that authors implore readers to be direct about their needs and not to ignore or dismiss them (for instance, anxious types have to accept that they want closeness, intimacy and warmth in their relationships and not see this as being "needy" or "clingy").

I would definitely suggest this book to people who are just starting or not yet in a relationship because I really think it will help them to avoid relationship pitfalls and be clear about what to expect from a relationship. I think this book can even be helpful for people already in relationships. It will definitely provide some clarity to why you and your partner act the way you do.

The only critique I have is that I don't think the authors really did enough to address what avoidants should do to have successful relationships. The tips they suggested seemed a bit far fetched because they basically involved avoidants becoming more close to their partners (which is what they don't want to do!). Other than that, I really think this is a wonderful book.

nothing new here but if you read it it might remind you of where you might have problems. This may or may not be a good thing.