Ann FriedmanCritiques

Big Friendship is written for people who have already heard of Aminatou and Ann through their podcast Call Your Girlfriend. It's for readers who already love these two people and their friendship and who want to hear more about them.

Unfortunately, I am not in this demographic, so the book wasn't my cup of tea. But also, I'm not totally sure how much true fans will get out of it, either.

Big Friendship as it turns out is a joint memoir with stories very loosely organized by chapter themes like "the internet" and "compromise" (I really got the impression that these two actually wanted to write a bunch of different books chronicling their opinions on the internet or women in business, etc but instead forced themselves to shove ideas under these chapter titles). We get a lot of biographical information on Ann and Aminatou's personal/professional lives, but, because they clearly wanted to respect everyone else's privacy, we don't get details. A lot of the stories felt bland and impersonal - "I was in a bad relationship," is much less fun to read than "I was dating this guy named Kevin who consistently prioritized his dog and his workout schedule over me." I appreciate the desire to let all your friends and enemies maintain their anonymity, but couldn't they have simply changed some names and details and thus kept the color in?

They incessantly remind you that all this backstory is leading up to their big friendship blowout. They promise juicy details and drama, then when you actually get to the falling out (in the second to last chapter), there just isn't one. Literally. They just. Grew apart. And then they went to platonic couple's therapy and everything was okay again (except maybe it wasn't, because they get particularly vague about what has happened in their friendship since then, leading me to suspect that they are, in fact, maybe not as close of friends anymore). Y'all...

The most compelling parts ended up being the research-backed advice bits. These nibblets were sparse and sprinkled completely at random - some chapters had barely none, then the last chapter was almost 100% interesting data and suggestions. Maybe just read that last bit?

I was hoping this would be the book on friendship - the one I've been searching for years to find. Alas, it was not to be.

The first half of the book had some serious issues.

Firstly, it seemed to be more about careers, feminism, and race than about friendship.

Secondly, the authors and I hold very different beliefs when it comes to politics, religion, etc. At one point, Aminatou says she loves that Ann is never judgmental, which I found rather funny, since just a few pages before were multiple instances of Ann harshly judging those who are politically conservative. Ann also made a very flippant joke about abortion that made me want to cry and cringe.

Their chapter on interracial friendship lacked nuance and took the stand that all whites are racist and only whites are racist. At one point, Aminatou says she refuses to be a white person's first black friend, that she only wants to be friends with people who have proven that interracial friendships are important by having serious Black friendships already. This seemed a bit hypocritical, as it came after her blasting whites who don't have black friends. So what's a white person to do who realizes they need a wider world and non-white friends, when this attitude is held by the Blacks in their lives? The reality is that someone is going to have to be first. (Actually, this got me thinking about how Jesus loved us humans "while we were still sinners," as the Bible puts it. He didn't wait for us to get our acts together or have the "right" kind of friends before He would enter into a Big Friendship with us. I'm so grateful for that!)

There is quite a bit of profanity, mentions of drug use, and the authors definitely exist in the upper-middle-class world, solidly earning six figures apiece, flying all over the States (and world), and taking annual vacations with 50 other friends… I just can't relate to their world at all.

The authors also seemed self-congratulatory when talking about how everyone loved their "shine theory" and tried to steal it. I thought it was kind of hilarious because although they've trademarked the name, it's just the idea of mutual support and encouragement.

The second half did speak more to friendship, and I appreciate that they value friends and are willing to put in hard work to keep friends in their lives. This is so rare.

But it's not a book I'll be recommending, sadly. If anyone has recommendations for better books about friendship, please let me know in the comments! I'm always on the lookout.

2.25½

I love books about platonic friendship. A lot. I think we don't talk about the value of friendship enough, and I read this while staying in a house with my college best friends, having gathered at no amount of financial, emotional and time investment to see our core friend group. So, this book should have been up my alley. But while Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman attempt to review the academic literature on friendship, this is a very superficial portion of the book. Most of the book is specifically about Aminatou and Ann's friendship in particular. I like that they wrote about being friends through difficult times and how to handle to dissolution of friendship, as well as focusing on how to maintain friendships via facing conflict and finding ritual, all of which are part of my core friendship values. But I just ...didn't like them. I have the sense that I'd like Sow or Friedman individually (and I have when I've heard them on podcasts) but their friendship based on alcohol and girly TV and fashion and being "low drama mamas" (I've found people who declare themselves low drama are (a) almost always not and (b) toxically conflict-averse) was something that made me want to run for the hills.

Quick read about the importance of close friendships. At the very least it will inspire you to "call your girlfriend." I probably would have enjoyed it more if I was a fan of their podcast. I've been aware if its existence for a long time, just never actually listened. I will probably try it out though now that I've read their book.

I listened to the audiobook version of this book. I have found myself questioning a long friendship of my own and was looking for comfort in my insecurity. Losing friendships, especially longstanding ones, is difficult, so it can be really difficult to know when to let a friendship go and when to dig in your heels and continue to put in the effort if you feel like that effort isn't being reciprocated.

I really enjoyed hearing from both Aminatou and Ann. Knowing their different perspectives, specifically in the moments when they felt they friendship had become strained, was helpful.

Part memoir, part treatise on friendship, its importance and joys. It's primary point is that any close friendship will go through rough patches that will have to be addressed for the friendship to last.½

I very much enjoyed this book. I listened to the audio version that Aminatou and Ann narrated and it was similar to listening to their podcasts but without their lovely back and forth which I missed. I love that they are so invested in their friendship. Friendships have always baffled me. I've never been comfortable in social situations and I have long attracted people that are looking for an emotional crutch or who want me to make them something...but are unwilling to give anything back to the relationship. As a mid-age adult, I'm learning how to cultivate friendships that are actually two way so listening to this book was a great lesson for me.

This is a very thought-provoking book. It took me a while to get through because so many thoughts and memories spun off from reading it. I started reading the ebook version of it but switched to the audiobook after reading that it is narrated by the authors and friends, who have a podcast, and it includes special effects. All of these were great, but listening to the audiobook didn’t work for me because my mind would go off on so many related tangents after hearing each of the authors’ thoughts. Thank you for making me think more deeply about friendships, careers, race, family, women and so many other things.

Big Friendship has been on my ARC bookshelf for a few months now and after seeing it floating around on #bookstagram more recently, I realized the publication date was sneaking up on me and I decided to dive in.

Big Friendship ended up surprising me in a big way!! I loved the nuanced look at their relationship together and that it also focused on both the highs and lows of this long term connection. Just like romantic relationships, friendships take work, and I so appreciated that they shared the complexities of these important but often under talked about platonic connections.

I was not familiar with the duo, Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman (or the Shine Theory!) before reading the book, but many people will know them from their Call Your Girlfriend podcast. If you are not familiar with them either, I highly recommend reading Friedman’s article about the Shine Theory, for a briefer look at the idea they tackle more at length in Big Friendship…

https://www.thecut.com/2013/05/shine-theory-how-to-stop-female-competition.html

The Shine Theory was one of the highlights of the books for me and was such a powerful reminder about how lifting each other up benefits all of us. This one will be released this Tuesday, 7.14.20, and I highly recommend it!

Thank you to Simon & Schuster for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review. As always, all opinions are my own. You can read this, and other book reviews at genthebookworm.com

I really love the concept of this book as friendships aren’t discussed enough. I actually wanted to see more of the research and info rather than the authors’ stories; it was good to hear how they became friends, but there was too much backstory on them before they met. The last two chapters were the best and ones I’ll be returning to; they gave me a lot to think about in my own lost friendships.