Men are jealous of babies

I don't know if this is true but I'm reading Mother's Milk by Edward St Aubyn wherein a husband feels that the baby has displaced him from his wife. She has less time for him; she's too tired to have sex with him; she puts the baby's needs before his. What do you think? And, in real life, is this a case of men and women being from different planets?? I think it is.

Speaking from experience, this has never been a problem in my family ... I think what often happens is that because society focuses so much on the mother/baby relationship (as opposed to the father/baby relationship), men buy into the idea they're not "supposed" to be as caring toward the baby in the same way the mother is and end up feeling left out of the picture overall ...

Kromes......I agree with you...our culture does push men out of the father/baby picture. Which is a deteriment to everyone involved. Amanda...as far as the different planets on men vs. the new baby syndrome.....I disagree. The fact is, a new baby does take away some of the wife's time and attention. That's inevitable and natural. It doesn't mean the man is strange and from another planet. Having a child should be a joint decision...ie...the father-to-be jointly desired the new arrangements..ie..less time and attention. What he willingly gets in return is the joy of fatherhood..and the shared joy of knowing his wife has new joys as well.

It sounds to me less like a case of men being from Mars, and more like a case of that particular man considering his wife some kind of property. And apparently not forming an attachment to his baby.

My husband was very jealous of our children, to the point that he would secretly arrange for a woman friend to come over to "take care of the baby", ostensibly to help me out, but really to drive an emotional wedge between me and our children.

Needless to say, we are now divorced. I'm so pleased to see that this is much less prevalent in the younger generation of men. I don't believe our culture pushes men out of the father/baby picture, I believe men push themselves out and then create a culture that makes that ok. Again, much less prevalent among 20 somethings, but men my age (40ish) really identify themselves by their jobs and not by their fatherhood. Fatherhood is really something a lot of men who leave their families are escaping. They want to be the baby, and the attention of the mother should be all on him and not the children. The young fathers I know are very proud of having a wife who is a good mother, and they do everything they can to participate in that and support her.

I know that bonding was not immediate between me and my first child. And it upset me. Here was Mother and Child, having these perfect moments, and I was an outsider, watching. I would bring her the baby, but she would feed her. It took a while, but eventually Dad became a part of this happy little family, and now, years later, it is Mom who sometimes feels like the outsider. (Although I think Mother and Daughter are nearing the end of their adolescent feud, so peace is starting to reign again.)

#3 jaydragon:What I meant was, when this negative reaction does occur (and it does, not always) then men are from another planet. I was using the phrase flippantly. After reading the above messages it appears that it comes down to the individual. (I am married with three children and although my husband was a willing and hands-on father, he also resented my putting the children first.)

Windy (message 5):

Regarding your quote:"I don't believe our culture pushes men out of the father/baby picture, I believe men push themselves out and then create a culture that makes that ok."

This is broadbrush stereotyping at its worst ... perhaps that was the case with your ex ... and with other men ... but it's certainly not the case with ALL men, as you really do recognize when you talk about younger fathers ... and I've often had my wife complain to me that I put the kids ahead of her too much ...

Kromes: Windy didn't say ALL men. I presume she's talking about people she knows. ANd you said yourself, "...men buy into the idea that they're not supposed to be as caring..." , which kind of agrees with Windy anyway. I can understand your outrage though - there's nothing worse than being accused of not doing one's best as a parent, even when the accusation is not made directly.

I am a stay at home dad as I feel that most literature,movies Ect cast the males as either abusive,drunk or not involved in their childs life. I am in a book club with 15 females(hard to get men to read)and I stand before every meeting and say I am sorry for the male population
because of the male character
in the book selection.Another example is LIFETIME. Thanks for the ear

to Kenny G: keep up the good work! It's great that you send time with your kids. Great role modeling.

Thanks for the positive message.We must get to the point where guys say I am babysitting today when it is their own kids.People also tell you are being a good parent when you spend time with the kids but they never say that to moms.Expectations are that moms raise the kids and if a dad wants to be with the kids he is seen as special.Real crazy!

This was a huge part of the plot in The Masterharper of Pern. The birth of the titular character aggravates what everyone once saw as the perfect relationship. His father is very jealous of the attention he receives from his mother.

My favorite situation of introducing a new baby to the family is in an episode of Reba. If you're not familiar with the premise, Reba is a divorcee with three children, one of whom is pregnant (I think she's 17 years old) and given permission to marry the father of the baby.

In a later episode, both young parents admit to each other that they "don't like their baby". I thought this to be a very important message for new parents, because it is expected that mothers automatically bond with their infants, and this carries them through the rest of their life. The feel-good hormones wear off, and then you need to work at parenthood.

I also liked this episode, because mother and father talked about their frustrations instead of seething and blaming each other for everything, as they're expected to do in other sitcoms and television shows.

My ex tried to use the subject-line as an argument (in Court) during our divorce (12 years ago). She then extrapolated on that theme and accused me of spousal abuse, child abuse, depression, fits of anger, staying late at work to avoid coming home and interacting with anyone...

Utter nonsense (in my case). She rarely made time for me ~before~ we had kids - too busy with "others". Babies cramped ~her~ lifestyle more than it did mine. I got into reading to the boys every night, from the day we brought them home. Mind you, she was a great stay-at-home mom to the babies, but when she could get them into a day care situation, I'd often have to leave work early (like, over an hour early) to pick the guys up because she was "busy". I was involved with my sons all through their Soccer years, and 19 years of Cub/Boy Scouts. My ex was actually BANNED from participating with the Scouts because she went ballistic on a camp-out, and cursed the kids out the entire 4.5 mile hike back to the cars.

I've got 3 really terrific young men, all in their 20s, who are well-adjusted and very smart, curious people. They visit their mother, but never one-on-one; and they don't stay more than a couple of hours.

In the divorce, I ended up getting full custody of the kids, and she got limited visitation privileges (despite the fact I had asked for LIBERAL visitation). It was her behavior and contempt for the process (and me, I suppose) that caused the judge to come down so hard on her.

I'm glad things worked out for the best, WHL! I'm really happy for you and your boys!

Um, I use the word "boys" lightly, because they're my age. I'm sure they've become great young men! :)