Joshua Coleman

"If your child actually dies, everyone will feel sorry for you. If your child stops talking to you, everyone will judge you. At least that's what it feels like. That perception will make your ability to properly grieve and take care of yourself far more complicated and difficult... self-compassion is everything." p. 253
If you've ever been estranged from anyone in your life, most especially a child you can understand the heartbreak, confusion, and other emotions that occur. While there are no "one-size fits all" solutions to this type of family problem, this book has many insights that can help parents come to terms with, and find the right type of mindset to begin the healing process.
The first part of the book helps a parent to understand the myriad of reasons for estrangement. The next part of the book deals with how to reconcile with your child. The last part of the book helps heal the pain of estrangement.
It took me 6 months to read and digest this book, because each chapter, and each subheading within the chapters needed reflection. Some chapters didn't relate to my situation, but others left me more depressed and/or angry than before reading them. As Dr. Coleman observes, "One of the biggest obstacles to your ongoing serenity is the idea that being a good mother means continuing to blame yourself and to feel guilty for whatever mistakes you made, or to blame yourself for whatever mistakes your child thinks you made." p. 254
I found this to be helpful in the long run. As Dr. Coleman states, "the path out of hell is through the misery of accepting where you are right now. Right now, you're reading this because you're desperate, you're angry, you're guilt-ridden, worried, ashamed, scared, and scarred. These are powerful messages from your mind: There's something here you should be attending to and not judging." P. 250
Self-awareness, radical acceptance. and self-compassion are the ways to heal in a situation that may be, for now, out of your control...that is if there is no contact or willingness to reconcile on the part of your child. Then, life must go on. Pain is there, but suffering daily need not be. "While the pain of estrangement is enormous, the biggest obstacle isn't the absence of your child; it's the guilt, shame, and inclination to punish yourself. It's your belief that not only could you have done better but that you should have done better." p. 256
Some other insights that ring true, for anyone who is a parent:
"Parenting is a neverending series of small mournings..."p. 112
"Real parenting is a minefield of mistakes. No one gets out without making tons of them." p. 211
Hopefully, you will never experience this heartbreak. If you do see an estrangement looming, seek family therapy with your child! (As Dr. Coleman wholeheartedly recommends.) If this is not possible, then this book is a good start.… (plus d'informations)

I didn't finish this because not all parts were interesting to me. When a friend saw it, she said, "I know you read a variety of books, but hasn't that ship sailed?" Her question was because my parents have both died, and we got along pretty well, and I have no children.

I was inspired to read this after reading posts in Reddit on family conflicts and adult children who go low or no contact. I was extremely glad to see that the author has rejected the idea that the only influence on children is their parents, the family apparently lives in a vacuum. Peers, heredity, experiences outside of the family, temperment, all have their influences. I also liked his approval of the Authoritative, as opposed to the Authoritarian parenting style.

He also discussed forgiveness. This is a topic of great interest to me. I know people who define forgiveness as anything between:
1. resolving your anger, which may not involve the person being forgiveness, and
2. an obligation to forgive immediately, no matter what happened, and go on to mentor the person by whom one was wronged.
3. Forgiveness-guru Robert D. Enright's definition of forgiveness is “as a "willingness to abandon one's right to resentment, negative judgement and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly hurt us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love towards him or her.'”

I don't mean any of these when I talk about forgiveness, and if it is the last two, then I have never forgiven almost anyone, and I probably never will. If it's the first, I've forgiven just about everyone in my personal life.

Coleman tells us a great deal about what his idea of forgiveness isn't, and I generally approve, but he never says what it is.

I like Sophie Hannah's definition of a grudge: "A grudge is a true story from your past, involving a negative, hurtful, or suboptimal experience that it feels important to remember now and into the future". A grudge doesn't have to be vengeful, all-consuming, and bitter." I apply this to people who steal from me, and people who are very negative or rude. Don't go away mad, just go away.

I'd recommend this for anyone who is in this sort of conflict, or it might help with other types of conflict.… (plus d'informations)

A Decent Book on Parent-Child relationship. Most of the strategy is in Gottman's work. I did not learn anything new from this book. There's cultures too that ought to be considered i.e Indian, African, Chinese, Japanese, American, European. If that is considered, this is not a great work.

If you have no clue or have not read even one work on relationship, I might recommend you this.

Most of your idea on relationship or parenting would probably come from your family of origin.
It would take immense amount of reflection to figure out that first relationship, best to spend time reading perspectives and figuring out your own.

My favorite story was, how a Parent uses their children to make the other Parent look bad.

Anyway, one day, the child grows up and learns the truth. Also, how some Parents chose some other Men/Women over their children.


The Chapter on having realistic beliefs seem to be helpful. Many Parents don't even know Authoritarian vs Authoritative. If you had lied to your children, one day, it will bite you back! I think, things bite back at you some day. In some way, people find out the truth.

I disagree with forgiveness chapter, in religious tradition, God forgives man, and then he is able to mend the relationship constantly. Joshua has not considered that aspect. It seems that Joshua has not considered many aspects.

Parenting relationship is dynamic as in all relationship. Dynamic as in, it is constantly evolving until the die you pass away. Do not think, because you invested x in a relationship, it should automatically give you back or something like it.


What this book does not offer
- how to grow into being better in relationship?

A Quote from another author

My piece of advice on estrangement of children is this: I feel the parent is the one that can’t stop reaching out, can’t stop going above and beyond to do anything to repair this broken relationship. The parent has to steer this relationship to a better path. The parent must let go of his or her ego. Leave it at the door. Apologize. It doesn’t matter what happened. It is your CHILD. Never stop trying. Be humble. Apologize and profess your unconditional love. When you finally meet, hug your child and don’t let go for a really long time. If you are estranged due to parental alienation, I have the same advice. Don’t stop trying. The kids will find out the truth one day.

Marina Sbrochi Spriggs


Maybe this should be required reading for all Parents only if they have no clue. But most people always think they know, until they find out, they really did not know.

I would recommend this to novice in relationship.

Deus Vult,
Gottfried… (plus d'informations)