OK, I admit that I've only written one book as well as Lani, and I only have one review of it so far. But as an American, I have to get my little bit of free speech out here. I have NOTHING against romance, fantasy, teen novels or the like. I don't think, as an anime fan, that I have a right to be against any of those things, especially since when I was younger I went on a Sword Art Online binge. And I'm aware of the flaws of SAO: notably the tropy characters. But the story still told the romance fairly well, and I admit to loving the first "Before Sunrise" film.

Handbook for Mortals, however, is completely different. Not only are the characters even less enjoyable and generic than SAO, but nothing about the romance or magic is interesting. Instead of developing something unique, Sarem relies on pop culture references to compare her so-called "magic system" to, like pointing out that it's closer to Practical Magic than Charmed. Also, the romance is hardly romantic, and instead it just gets boring or even annoying. The book will spend 100 pages forgetting that it's also a FANTASY book, so we go long and drawn out moments without magic. Not only that, did we ever get any resolution with that other magic woman, or with that female performer who didn't like our protagonist Zade?

The book doesn't really succeed in the poetry or wording department either. There was a clearly missed typo: "I took everything I owed" as opposed to "owned," as the girl was talking about moving out. Also, twice within 30 short pages, she writes that the “tension was so high you could cut it with a knife.” But the tension is hardly felt by the reader because it's such a generic and uninteresting story.

This book was drawn out, uninteresting, difficult to relate to due to one-sided and generic magicians and family members, and no real sense of creativity. I haven't read Twilight, but I'll bet this makes Twilight look like a masterpiece.

This story reads like a worse version of Twilight. A worse love triangle, worse Mary Sue protagonist, and worse plot. At least Twilight had villains. The main character Zade, is insufferable, and an obvious self-insert for the author. The plot is that she moves to Las Vegas and gets in a love triangle. That's it. That's really it.

The love triangle is between Clark Kent (his actual name) and someone who was secretly a member of the Plain White T's. They both are terribly written, and have no resolution.

A significant portion of the book is written from a the main character while in a coma, by stealing memories from those around her. Several little anecdotes about working in show-business are thrown in without relevance to anything. The prose reads like an unedited first draft cranked out by Tommy Wiseau on crack.

The author promotes this book as a New York Times Best Seller, a title that it held for less than a day after the publisher bulk purchased thousands of copies to manipulate the book's rating. This thing was a scam from start to finish. Don't waste your time! ( )

I have read a lot about this book in the last few days, but I'm going to ignore it and base my review on the book itself. I was given a free copy for an honest review. The idea of someone with magic, working on a magic show seemed like an interesting story.
There are many issues with this book. Over looking the issue of copyright infringement through the use of several song lyrics, the main character is quite unremarkable. In fact she seems quite conceited at times, but because she stammers when nervous she is supposed to be relatable.
The love triangle doesn't hold up well. Obviously drawing from other books, the author tries to create tension between Mac and Zade, but it is completely unfounded. He becomes angry and rude for no reason. There is no chemistry between them. Then there is the 'nice guy' Jackson. It doesn't hold up.
The book is repetitive to the point of being condescending to the audience. It states a point, then again, and then a third time in a couple of sentences. Along the lines of - he was short. I couldn't believe how short he was. Looking down on him, because of his height... It made it very tiresome to read.
A dramatic event such as one of the performers needing CPR from Zade is poorly handled. Zade starts CPR, then it jumps to Mac arguing with another guy. Then the woman is being taking away by paramedics!! No description of what is happening, of she revived her or anything.
I tried to give this book a chance but two thirds of it could easily be removed as repetition and still have a story. Not recommended. ( )

HANDBOOK FOR MORTALS by Lani Sarem has controversy swirling around it and perhaps that is why I wanted to give this train wreck a shot. The story of Zade, a young woman with true magical talent that begins working in a Vegas magic show, has some potential for an interesting plot, but unfortunately fails pretty flat in execution. Zade is written kind of like an empty-headed valley girl, who only really thinks about male attention and looking attractive. Without the main character being likable, it's hard as the reader to have an interest in what happens to her. The only character, although still rather stock and stereotypical, is the head crew member, Mac. He's got some grit and texture about him, but the book only really touches the surface of who he really is. Another strike against the book are the grammatical and spelling errors; errors that in a published book are hard to ignore and cheaper the quality of it.
I'm not saying that with a little more editing and proofreading that HANDBOOK FOR MORTALS would become a quality book, but I think it could have been more than it is.
Thank you to Geeknation Press, Lani Sarem and Netgalley for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review! ( )

I received this ebook through the publisher via Netgalley. As a published author myself, I am well aware of the way that author Lani Sarem and her team manipulated the New York Times list. I also know that the Goodreads ratings for the book consist of mostly one-star ratings due to the book's reputation and the sample available on Amazon.

I don't rate or review any book unless I finish it. I wanted to judge Handbook with as much fairness as I could, even knowing its history, so I endeavored to read the entire thing. I finished it.

If this had been any other book, I would have declared it Did Not Finish (DNF) in the first few pages.

Handbook reminds me of my first novel efforts, the ones I trunked and will forever more keep trunked. Because of that, I sympathize with the author to a degree. I wish she had had other experienced authors around her to offer honest feedback--or maybe she did, and she ignored their feedback to stay true to her vision. I did that with my first novel attempts, too.

The book reads like a non-reader's mistaken assumptions of what YA is, though this book is not YA (the heroine is about twenty-five). For a proclaimed fantasy book, magic is barely present (and very little of it actually done by the heroine), and doesn't make sense. It's... kind of like a romance, but with no chemistry. The entire middle of the book consists of dating scenes interspersed with clothes shopping.

The first few pages show an ignorance of novels and how they are formatted at a basic level, as it actually has a foreword introducing the author. An intro like this is included for anthologies or collections, not for a debut book. I don't know who the author is and her movie fandom creds aren't relevant. The book needs to sell itself.

As Handbook begins at chapter 0, we meet Zade as she argues with her mother and departs Tennessee for her new job in Las Vegas. The narrative is overwritten--again, a common flaw in early novels efforts and rough drafts, period--and the paragraphs are dense, with the dialogue often buried. Zade's actions here are the only time in the book that she shows agency.

Agency means the character instigates the plot. She/he makes the decisions and carries the book, rather than doing what author-god decrees. Agency within a plot is a tricky thing to master; honestly, my agent and editor still ding me on this during revision stages.

But this point of criticism leads to another issue: there is no plot in Handbook. She goes to Vegas and joins an illusionist's show, and starts going on a lot of dates with Mac and Jackson, though all men find her to be incredibly hot and almost all women loathe her. This is explained at one point as a side effect of Zade's immense magical power. At one point, some other magic user attacks her, and makes an odd cameo appearance later; the ending implies a second book is supposed to explain this person, but it has zero bearing on anything in this book.

This book is about dating. And shopping. But for a book that tries to play up the love triangle angle, ala Twilight, there is no triangle. Mac has all of the emphasis and character development--actually, he's the only character who has an arc and develops in any way, and he's the only one who acts at the climax. He has many of his own scenes shown in italics (though the use of italics is inconsistent and confusing, as some other characters' POVs are seen through it sometimes). The other character, Jackson, is a musician and good-looking, and has the perk of actually believing in the abilities of tarot readings (one of Zade's skills), but it's pretty clear he has no chance with Zade.

As for the romantic dialogue, it's... George Lucas-esque. That goes back to that matter of agency. As all men love and want Zade, she doesn't need to make any effort to win over Mac or Jackson.

Zade had potential to be an interesting character. The book only expresses vague ideas of what her magic is actually like and there is zero growth in her abilities--the kind of thing an actual fantasy book needs. Zade is perfect in every way, a cliché Mary Sue (again, a new author trait). Everyone thinks she's hot. Compliments on her hair are a regular theme (it reads like a Sally Beauty Supply ad at a few points, quite literally). She can also play guitar and sing, and she loves "crotch rockets" just like Mac. And as the ending of the book shows, she is morally bankrupt.

I suppose I should get to the ending.

Most books use an ending to show how the hero/heroine has grown throughout the book. It's an opportunity for a grand show of powers, a confrontation with a villain, etc. But this book has no character growth, and while it has a few unpleasant people, there is no villain.

Instead, Zade tries to pull off a grand illusion during the Vegas show that utilizes "dangerous magic." She uses Mac as her anchor for this magic, but he's mad at her, so he steps outside to smoke. (Yes, there are several points like this that make no sense--he could step out for a phone call, or be sick, or go on vacation, etc). Cue her magic going awry. The show ends, and she goes off stage, falls unconscious, and starts bleeding everywhere. At the hospital, the doctor says Zade is internally bleeding and will quickly die.

Zade is rushed back to Tennessee to her mother's advanced magical care, where, as Zade is bleeding to death, her estranged parents reunite and casually tell Mac the story of how they met. There is zero tension throughout this long section. Zade's loved ones are literally at the kitchen table, drinking tea, and reminiscing about the late 1970s as Zade bleeds out in the next room.

How do we know this? That goes to the morally bankrupt part: Zade has ripped memories of all these events from her parents, Mac, and everyone who witnessed her collapse in Vegas. The very end of the book has some vague mention of her getting permission from those closest to her, but she obviously couldn't get this from everyone, as her magical skills are a big secret.

So yeah. She thieved memories from almost everyone she knows, and also rifled through her parents thoughts when they were young and horny, which has another level of violation and squick. There is absolutely no moral consideration of these actions.

Also note that Zade falls unconscious at 67% through the ebook. She wakes up at 91%. The climax, such as it is, consists of Mac plunging a dagger-that's-really-like-an-EpiPen (that's how the book explains it) into her heart.

She recovers, returns to Vegas where everyone greets her with a surprise party (the proper welcome for someone who nearly died), and her estranged parents remarry. The book ends with the promise (threat?) of a sequel to come that will explain the weird magical girl who tried to blast Zade at the mall.

I wanted Handbook to be worthwhile of the fuss and effort that went into getting it on the NYT list. It's not. ( )