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Underwater Daughter: A Memoir of Survival and Healing

par Antonia Deignan

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Tuni's father began sexually abusing her when she was just four years old. Her mother, though aware of the abuse, was a silent witness--one either incapable or unwilling to intervene--and the abuse continued until Tuni was eleven. Three years later, when Tuni was fourteen, she was raped by an adult actor who was part of her cast in a professional theater production. These traumas would go on to shape much of her life. Underwater Daughter follows how Tuni grappled with her relationship with her parents, the aftermath of her rape, an eating disorder, drug and alcohol excesses, and shame as she came of age and began to build a life. In order to not lose her inner innocence, in order to protect herself, in order to believe in love, she began early on to create imaginary worlds into which she could escape--to use dreams to transport her away from her fears. By early adulthood, she was well practiced at slapping lipstick (pink, frosty, kiss-me, gloss-over, perfect lipstick) over whatever darkness might be bubbling beneath. Hired by a dance company right out of high school, she found success as a dancer in Chicago and New York, but in her personal and emotional life, she continued to struggle. Ultimately, it took her decades of dancing, hiding, faking, fucking, costuming, implanting, dissociating, marrying, divorcing, and purging--all while staying silent about her past trauma--before a bike accident at age fifty-five forced her to stop and truly take stock of her life. As she did, she came to a resting place, finally, in regard to her father; developed the loving relationship she'd always wanted with her mother; and came to understand that, in the end, love is all anyone wants--or needs.… (plus d'informations)
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Underwater Daughter by Antonia Deignan

Sublimely subtitled “a memoir of survival and healing,” this book is a moving meditation on childhood abuse and the effects and influences of early trauma. After a devastating accident forced Deignan to lie still and reflect on her past, she turned to writing as a means of therapy and release. She recalls her children, her marriages, her career as a dancer, struggles with eating disorders and substance abuse, and reaches back into cheerless childhood memories of her father’s sexual violations and her mother’s refusal to stop or acknowledge it. The journey is not linear, but rather one comprised of snapshots, fleeting windows peering into singular moments of impact. Her world is a darkly painted reverie, held together by images of the sea. It is difficult to say what makes a book feel important, exactly, but Deignan’s words cry out to be heard, her prose blazing across the pages. When the writing becomes repetitive or fragmented, it reads as honest, a stream-of-consciousness bleeding freely onto the paper. She doesn’t shy away from visceral darkness, but instead submerges your senses inside the gritty realities. A poetic reflection upon a life of toil and the challenges of forgiveness, this memoir is a triumphant reclamation of self for Deignan, and a celebration of resilience.

As might be expected, this book contains a lot of content that may be triggering to those who have suffered abuse, suicidal thoughts, or struggled with substance abuse, so please keep that in mind before reading. ( )
  LiteraryLeftovers | Apr 28, 2023 |
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Tuni's father began sexually abusing her when she was just four years old. Her mother, though aware of the abuse, was a silent witness--one either incapable or unwilling to intervene--and the abuse continued until Tuni was eleven. Three years later, when Tuni was fourteen, she was raped by an adult actor who was part of her cast in a professional theater production. These traumas would go on to shape much of her life. Underwater Daughter follows how Tuni grappled with her relationship with her parents, the aftermath of her rape, an eating disorder, drug and alcohol excesses, and shame as she came of age and began to build a life. In order to not lose her inner innocence, in order to protect herself, in order to believe in love, she began early on to create imaginary worlds into which she could escape--to use dreams to transport her away from her fears. By early adulthood, she was well practiced at slapping lipstick (pink, frosty, kiss-me, gloss-over, perfect lipstick) over whatever darkness might be bubbling beneath. Hired by a dance company right out of high school, she found success as a dancer in Chicago and New York, but in her personal and emotional life, she continued to struggle. Ultimately, it took her decades of dancing, hiding, faking, fucking, costuming, implanting, dissociating, marrying, divorcing, and purging--all while staying silent about her past trauma--before a bike accident at age fifty-five forced her to stop and truly take stock of her life. As she did, she came to a resting place, finally, in regard to her father; developed the loving relationship she'd always wanted with her mother; and came to understand that, in the end, love is all anyone wants--or needs.

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