I was looking for a therapist and during one consultation this book was recommended to me. This work addresses problems that are classically inherent to gay men: body fascism, objectification, perfectionism, inauthenticity, "instamacy", abuse / self-abuse, shame. The author is at his best when focusing on the clinical aspects / analysis of the particular gay male subject is being discussed. In general -- This work is a very fast read.

When I arrived in NYC in the fall of 1980, promiscuity was the norm and rampant -- That's how I was introduced to gay life. I was relatively innocent and inexperienced; at first I was frightened by the gay bars. I was in over my head and I found many aspects of the cruising / pick up scenes to be overwhelming. The AIDS crisis arrived shortly thereafter, which in my case, amounted to living life in a state of fear. As a person who's sought out "harm reduction" by means of therapy, group therapy and 12 Step groups over the years -- I recognize that much of what Alan Downs, PhD recommends within this tome is derived from the 12 Step method. Mainly the idea of acceptance and how acceptance, when used as a tool, can change one's life; or from a Buddhist perspective -- Seeking "detachment"; learning to let go. "The Velvet Rage" also deconstructs the profound effect of shame, and how by refusing to let go of shame -- One ends up being inauthentic. Many of the gay men described in this book also suffer from a problem that I can relate to; one that causes tremendous existential angst-- That being the "inability to discern between, love, sex and affection".

A major weakness of this book, that has been commented on extensively in other reviews, is its tendency to focus on a particular type of gay man -- The capable, confident, fast lane, fast track to success kind of guy who jumps form one city, and or apartment, to the next; the "glistening" phony who'll hang on your every word -- Just to drop you like a hot potato. Although I've observed many of these types of men from afar, the queer men I've known have never been as driven or privileged as those described in this work. Thus at certain times while reading this text and searching for the common ground / attempting to empathize -- I couldn't help feeling like an "outsider among outsiders".

It's unfortunate that gay men can be cruel to one another; omnipresent rainbow flags notwithstanding, this lack of mutual empathy among queer men is the downside of the "rapier wit" that Dr. Downs references in this book. Sex for its own sake (more likely for "men of a certain age" like myself) often becomes more trouble than it's worth. Ultimately, after reading this text, I'm faced once again with the same questions that I encounter when seeking whatever method of "self-improvement": Does a gray area between "fast track party animal" and "morally superior reformed sinner" actually exist? How does one find "contentment" without turning into a veritable saint? ..... I'm still not sure. ( )

This book attempts to address the shame that colours the early life of so many gay men, and it is the potential of this promise that makes the actual product so disappointing. I almost felt it was reinforcing gay shame in a whole new way as it railed against promiscuity (I'm not promiscuous), being in the closet (I'm totally out) and overachievement (I'm a full-time student at age 36). I kept waiting for the generalisations to end and the exercises to start. I wanted ways to uncover that shame and work through it, but instead all I got was a sense that I should be getting laid more, be more politically active and collect antique clocks.

Every time I read self help, I realise that reading the right novel would be so much more helpful for the self. ( )

Absolute required reading (or listening) for every single gay man on this planet. Brings together a lot of the bits and pieces of becoming a self-actualized, authentic gay man in a perfect digestible and enlightening package. ( )

If you have any questions about how growing up gay in a straight world impacts adult behavior, this is a good solid read. Gay men aren't so very different from men generally (except in choice of partners). All men, straight or gay, have to face up issues to do with shame and authenticity but for straight men coming to grips with these issues is usually achieved by the late twenties or early thirties. For gay men overcoming shame is much harder as it is intensified and then reified by their experiences in the world from adolescence on. Gay men will do almost anything to avoid shame. Downs divides the evolution of the gay man into three stages, wild, denial, and falling apart--and rebuilding an authentic self. (The third stage doesn't always happen.) I'm simplifying this but this makes a lot of sense to me. This book would go well with Brene Brown's [Daring Greatly] where she addresses shame the ways shame drives us all. Here, however, Downs makes the case that gay men experience shame squared. **** ( )

Dit boek waarvan ik niet eerder had gehoord las ik aanbevolen als een nieuwe bijbel voor homo's. De centrale stelling is dat de pijn die je voelt bij het opgroeien als homo de diepe schaamte is over wat je bent, het allesoverheersende gevoel dat je niet zo hoort te zijn als je bent, ingegeven, ingepompt, door de hetero-omgeving. Die schaamte overwinnen is een moeilijk en langdurig project. Die stelling zelf vind ik zeker de moeite van het onderzoeken waard, en dan grotendeels overtuigend. Veel cases (erg kort genoemd en vaak irritant in kadertjes ge-layout) zijn interessant, veel (vooral praktische) therapeutische adviezen zijn heel goed. Mijn voornaamste bezwaren tegen het boek zijn: dat het ERG Amerikaans is, gebseerd op een sterk kapitalistische competitieve maatschappij, en dan bovendien vrijwel alleen over rijke, hoogopgeleide mannen gaat (wat natuurlijk wel vaker zo is als psychotherapeuten vanuit hun praktijk schrijven). Bovendien komen er eigenlijk geen mannen boven de zestig en vrijwel geen mannen boven de veertig in voor, zodat het bijna alleen om goeduitziende, sexueel actieve, meestal promiscue, goedverdienende mannen gaat. En veel analyses en adviezen gaan net zozeer op voor hetero's, lijkt me. Toch heb ik er hier en daar wel degelijk nuttige wenken en inzichten gelezen en, zoals gezegd, de schaamte-theorie geloof ik op zichzelf wel. ( )