I'm a few years younger than Meghan Daum. Not many; I'm still Generation X. I want my generational credentials known, so that my objections to this book cannot be characterized as millennial snowflake gripes. If you were to ask me, I'd have my own issues with some of the areas she raises. I've read Daum's essays before and enjoyed them; she continues to have a good, conversational style, and I don't mind the personal navel gazing portions of her essays.

I knew I was in for a treat when right in the intro, she says "Feminism has achieved many of its goals." Sure, we have an equal pay act, but we don't actually have equal pay, so that's not so achieved, is it? It managed to exceed my low expectations; I kept picking up my notepad to argue with it. The best things that can be said are that it's brief and that she occasionally shows some personal insight.

This book isn't worth a thorough fisking because of its fundamental shallowness. Daum is interested only in a superficial reading of contemporary feminism as espoused in tweets, hashtags, and clickbait listicles. At no time does she engage with serious contemporary feminist thought or even indicate that she's tried to do so. It's like punching at air: sure, #badass on twitter is irritating, but she doesn't answer or even ask the fundamental question: are pussy hats and Everyday Feminism supposed to *be* feminism? Social media anything is doomed to shallowness. Saying that isn't getting us anywhere in exploring the differing meaning of feminism.

There are legitimate gripes to have with social media culture--the YA twitter dustups that have cancelled books (that their critics haven't always read) are a prime example. The internet "rules of engagement" can be used to quash sincere objections as well as bad faith critics. But there's no real depth to it, only a tirade.

Daum wants there to be a generational divide--and there is, certainly, to some extent. In her mind, the difference is toughness. Those of us who grew up in the 70s had the benefit of a more gender neutral childhood and then learned toughness in the 80s and 90s. Again there's something to the differing gender experiences of GenX and millennials and perhaps more understanding on both sides would be useful. The toughness argument, though? Yes, we tossed it off. We played the cool girl. It didn't pay off for us. Wall Street punished women just as brutally for keeping their heads down. There are generational differences that could be dealt with with nuance. Instead, we get "Young women are doing it wrong."

Daum believes that contemporary feminism is about casting women as permanent victims and denying our own power. I didn't see evidence that she'd even tried to understand her opponents' thought process. My experience has been that women are fueled by anger, not victimhood. Yes, there's a commodification of feminism, a branding, the lazy, hashtag twitter feminism. Plenty of GenXers have had their hand in it. Who created Lean In? Sheryl Sandberg did. She romanticizes her childhood freedom, but the GenX parents raising the "coddled" GenZ of today don't restrict their children solely because of scare stories about stranger danger.

She labels things like using PMS as an excuse "toxic femininity" and equates them to toxic masculinity. Again, lazy and shallow. Yes, women do this; is it worthy of analysis, yes; is it equal, no. At least she doesn't engage with race; it's peak White Feminism, but frankly it would probably have been awful if she had.

Daum perceives her peers, the NPR listening liberals, to be hypocrites who lionize Ta-Nehisi Coates because they feel they have to and will be lambasted online if they don't, while secretly disagreeing. There's something here to internet pressure and virtue signalling--I've witnessed it myself. But instead, she uses it as a springboard for her attraction to "free speech" YouTube, because it engages in different points of view.

In sum, this is 200 pages of complaining about how the the youth of today are snowflakes and social media is terrible, masquerading as an explanation of culture wars. ( )

I love a good essay or two about virtue signalling. Like most books of essays I read (which isn't many), I felt this could have been condensed. ( )

I'd read Meghan Daum's THE UNSPEAKABLE and found I could not be impartial about it, because it was like she was talking out my own brain. I felt the same way throughout this book, except for the parts about her divorce (I am still married). So I guess I can't be impartial about that, either, in an opposite way - because it is so NOT part of my brain. The parts about her divorce were the least interesting, and I'm just glad they weren't dwelled on any further than they were.

Spoiler - if there's such a thing as a spoiler for a book of personal essays - the last paragraph is the best: "The problem with everything is meant to keep us believing, despite all evidence to the contrary, in the exquisite lie of our own relevance. What a gift. What a problem to have." Maybe it's not much of a spoiler, because I guess you have to read the whole book to understand it.

The problem with everything that Meghan wants to complain about most in this book comes down to "toughness." She was born in 1970, I in 1969. We grew up wanting to be tough. Adult. "Kids today," however, almost seem like they revel in being vulnerable.

We had Zoom. We had Jodie Foster and Kristy McNichol. We had androgyny, being a kid, not a little girl. Meghan hits on an interesting idea: finding out the sex of your baby before the birth didn't become a common thing till the 80s. Maybe, once people starting finding out the gender and preparing for it well in advance, with pink/blue parties and nurseries, this had something to do with the return of little princess girly girls. We weren't all tomboys, but no one in my generation wanted to be a princess. ("Kids today!!")

This plays into the main topic which is the problem with feminism (as well as everything) today. There's no room for being "tough" anymore; it seems we are supposed to be the opposite, and raise a big complaint about everything no matter how micro.

But back to my life! The first chapter is about the woman who used to protest pornography back around 1990 in NYC, manning a table with a big poster of a woman being fed through a meat grinder. I remember that vividly, in Grand Central Station! Meghan describes her as feral, kind of insane. I agree. I was anti-pornography back then, but the one time I tried to engage her, she talked right through me.

Meghan lived my life. "To be 20 years old in 1990 was, as far as I was concerned, to own the world." "I practically skipped to the office every morning." Construction workers would whistle at her/me "because I was 20 years old." She talks about re-entering the city now as a middle-aged woman. "Now that I had returned, it was as if my 20s were being handed back to me in used condition." I feel that way on every return visit.

I just can't be impartial about this book. Five stars for being me. I hope you continue to publish my thoughts in book form, Meghan. ( )

I agree with so much of the way Daum expresses the issues we face in this very divided world---taking things out of context puts "everything" out there with only the extremes being expressed, loudly and forcefully, and the vast mist-mosh of those of us who try to stop and really think through issues are left gasping!! I think she is easily mis-interpreted -- again -- without grasping what she is trying so hard to surround with words---that vast middle area. This is the first book of hers that I have read but I see where she is coming from and am interested to read more of her work. ( )

I have loved all of Meghan Daum’s books, but this one unexpectedly turned out to be my favorite. The subject made me fear that it would be a long slog, but it’s immensely readable and I found myself marveling at how much it resonated with me. Her take on today’s culture wars and the need for nuance rather than knee-jerk reaction is so sensible and so refreshing she’s getting a lot of backlash for it, as no doubt she knew she would, but I am extremely impressed that she had the courage to write it and I hope it reaches the wide audience it deserves and gets the appreciation it deserves. ( )