So, you think you know all there is to know about vampires? Think that you've read all the books?Think again!Mr X is a foul-mouthed vampire who's got a taste for eighties pop music where he should have a taste for blood. This is his guide to being a modern vampire and he tells it like it is:A is for Alucard: 'So at his 800th birthday party Dracula proceedes to get totally wasted and drone on about the extension he's having done on his castle. 'C is for Christmas: 'I like Christmas, though being a vampire has a way of taking all the fun out of it.'F is for Fang: 'Welcome, my friend, to the world of pain that is fangache.You're going to need a good vampire dentist and if you thought the suicide rates were high in human dentists...'H is for helper: 'You'll need a good helper for the all the sh*t that goes with storing the coffin and these days you can't just throw them a couple of spiders, like the Big Guy did with Renfield back in the day.'M is for music: 'One thing I hate about the myth of the vampire is that we sit about all night in castles listening to funeral music. See, I love my Duran Duran.'After reading this book, you'll never look at vampires in the same way ever again.Well, not without a mirror.