I really struggled assigning a rating to this book, because I found it both addicting (I stayed up until nearly 1am on a work night reading it because I just couldn't put it down) and problematic (more on that later). I ended up settling with three and a half stars with reservations.

Aaron Downing is barely surviving even two years after the assault that left his best friend dead and him permanently scarred and traumatized. He had to watch his best friend, Juliette, being tortured, raped, and killed by strangers. Aaron was also tortured and raped; their attackers attempted to kill him as well, but the knife wound to his throat didn't go deep enough apparently to kill him quickly, and he managed to survive. Since then, Aaron can't return to any semblance of a normal life; he's at the mercy of his memories and violent nightmares, which trigger debilitating panic attacks. The only way he can "manage" is by taking an array of pills and tranquilizers that numb him to everything.

Once Aaron graduates from home school, after, his parents encourage him to apply to the local technical school. It's there that Aaron meets Spencer Thomas, a guy who was born deaf. Although Spencer functions well and has the ability to lip read quite well, he still feels isolated by his deafness. His speech patterns are different than those with hearing, and he feels like people view him as mentally impaired instead of just hearing impaired. His father, once a prominent psychiatrist, has lost his practice (due to someone else's actions) and has basically succumbed to his alcoholism. Aaron and Spencer become quick friends.

I tend to gravitate towards these types of books with main characters who have been severely traumatized; I suppose I could go all analytical on my reasons, but I know what they are. I love reading about characters who, though subjected to great tragedy, somehow manage to stitch together the pieces of their shattered lives and try to forge ahead. And that is why I was drawn to this book. Aaron suffers immensely from the ordeal he experienced, and watching him struggle was extremely cathartic. Aaron was really put through the wringer emotionally, so all of the delicious feels were in full force for me. ;)

But there were several things in this book that just didn't work for me. The main thing that threw me out of the story was the actions of Spencer's dad. Yes, he was a psychiatrist, and conveniently, he was one of the most prominent trauma therapists in the nation before he lost his practice. But he grossly violates HIPAA regulations by discussing his treatment of Aaron with his son, Spencer. Aaron had confided in Dr. Thomas that he was gay - something that he had kept pretty secret and definitely had NOT discussed with Spencer. And yet Dr. Thomas tells Spencer that Aaron is gay. What the fuck. Way to take a guy with severe trust and intimacy issues and just shit on him. It works out well, because Spencer is also gay and both of the guys are quite interested in the other, but man, that was a nightmare waiting to happen. Dr. Thomas should definitely get a brush-up on the laws and regulations of private information disclosed during a therapy session. Yes, Aaron asked Spencer to be present during most of his therapy sessions, but this was NOT disclosed during one of those.

Furthermore, I felt like it was a real conflict of interest for Dr. Thomas to be treating Aaron at all. It is just not a good idea to be treating your son's boyfriend, especially in a therapy setting with Aaron being extremely vulnerable.

Also, one of the first things Dr. Thomas says to Aaron is that he wants to use this to write papers. What the heck? He's apparently disgraced in his field and it's common knowledge that he showed up to an APA conference so drunk that he could barely stand - what kind of papers does he think he is going to be writing and publishing?

Another question I have is why Aaron's parents didn't keep trying with the therapists. Aaron says that his first therapist was probably used to just dealing with overstressed corporate executives; why didn't they find a therapist who specialized in treating those with PTSD? Because Aaron definitely has PTSD. It seems like Aaron's parents kind of dropped the ball when it came to his mental health, and although I don't find that completely unrealistic (a lot of parents do, unfortunately), they are well aware that this kid is suffering immensely, and they seem content to just medicate the everloving shit out of him instead of seeking better help and resources for him.

Also, Aaron has had repeated problematic experiences with therapists, and yet he calls Dr. Thomas "the good doctor" in his mind several times. That just didn't feel right or true to the character.

The timeline to the story feels rushed to me; Aaron spent two years having a panic attack when anyone, including his family members, touched him unexpectedly - but in a few months, he's not only good with touch, he's also completely okay with sharing a bed with Spencer. I just feel like two or three months is not enough time for him to approach that level of intimacy - and sharing a bed with someone, even if it is completely nonsexual (this instance wasn't - they made out in the bed before Aaron slept over), is definitely intimate. You are at your most vulnerable and unprotected; I have trouble sharing a bed with my own sister, much less a girlfriend or lover. I just can't see how Aaron managed to get through the night without having a panic attack, especially since his anxiety was at an extremely high level through most of the book.

I do appreciate the fact that Aaron and Spencer never had sex in the book; they did make out, but that was as far as they went. I don't think it would have been realistic for Aaron to be instantly okay with sex, especially after he had experienced. He had never even kissed anyone when he and Juliette were abducted, tortured, and raped. I don't think sex is in the cards for him for a while, to be honest.

Speaking of sex, there are only two sex scenes in this book (which is fine with me), and neither involve both Aaron and Spencer. Instead, it's Spencer and a random delivery guy and Spencer having some online friskiness with a guy in a chat session. Some people might be bothered with the fact that, though Spencer has sex, it isn't with Aaron, and there are no sex scenes between Aaron and Spencer - but I found this quite realistic, especially with Aaron's level of anxiety and his obvious PTSD.

I also think the book needed a bit better editor, because Spencer is deaf. He can't hear. And yet there are several instances when Spencer "hears" something. Nope.

The cover also bothers me a bit, to be honest. No, it's not because it's some gay porn star (I think that is who it is, at least). It's just that Aaron is so incredibly shy and self-conscious about his scars, so much so that he can't even stand up in class, and then there's this hot non-scarred guy with his shirt half-open on the cover. I know, I know, don't judge a book by its cover, but it just doesn't fit the tone of the story at all.

Last, I have some issues with Spencer's deafness. His dad is a psychiatrist and obviously has some serious money - they live in a huge house (I believe it has five or six bedrooms, even though it is just Spencer and his dad) and Spencer has a very sporty car. Spencer mentions once that he gets a lot of "toys" (gaming consoles, etc) because his dad is trying to make up for him being deaf (or something to that effect). And yet...was there never a discussion of getting a cochlear implant? Spencer sounds like he would have been an excellent candidate for one, so...why didn't he get one? I mean, some people who are deaf absolutely do NOT want a cochlear implant for various reasons, and that is fine, but Spencer doesn't want to be isolated anymore, and he feels that his deafness is isolating him to a great extent. I didn't get an overwhelming feeling that he WANTED to continue to be deaf; he seemed ambivilent about his deafness, something that he had grown used to over the years. He didn't seem to have any friends who were deaf and didn't appear to be involved in the deaf community at all. So why was it never even discussed? It just seems odd to me.

Also, there's no way that Spencer could be that good at lip reading. I had a friend as a child who was severely hard of hearing - not profoundly deaf, but so hard of hearing that she did mostly communicate with ASL, simply because her hearing was so poor, even with hearing aids (she ended up getting a cochlear implant in her late teens - they weren't very common in the mid 1980s when we were friends). She taught me ASL and had a wicked sarcastic sense of humor. She could lip read really well - but she still wasn't 100%. She would tell me to slow down or to repeat myself frequently - you don't realize it if you have good hearing, but a lot of words look VERY similar when you are speaking them and trying to lip read. If you want to get an idea of what it's like, turn the volume of a television completely down and try to figure out what the actors are saying. It's not easy, and I had to explain myself in ASL many times because she didn't understand me. So even though Spencer is excellent at lip reading, the fact that he didn't really ask people to repeat themselves felt strange to me. No matter how good he is at it, it's damned hard. Yes, I know there were a couple of times when he didn't catch a word (like with the delivery boy), but I felt like to be more realistic, he should have been asking for repeats much more frequently. I guess it might have detracted from the story; I don't know. It just didn't feel realistic to me.

In spite of the issues I had with the book, I really did enjoy the story, and I will definitely be continuing on with the series (I see that Spencer's book is the third in the series, so I am hoping for lots of angst and drama between the two of them ;) ). ( )

I want some more please:)! ( )

Read in 2012 but never gave it any stars it seems
( )

Read in 2012 but never gave it any stars it seems
( )

Heart breaking, gripping. A wonderful story. 4.5 stars. ( )