Bad Joke of the Day 12

Which coronavirus was circulating just before the French Revolution?
Variantoinette

- Andrew L. Croxford @andrew_croxford | 2:33 PM · Apr 14, 2021
------------------------------------------------

Liberté, fraternité, vacciné!

- Dr. Bendor Grosvenor @arthistorynews | 3:14 PM · Apr 14, 2021

Reminder for this new thread: it's too late to make jokes about the Suez Canal.

That ship has sailed.

>2 foggidawn:: Except it hasn't. Ever Given is still there.

Two women were discussing the forthcoming Country Club Ball. "They want wives to dress to match their husbands' hair, so I shall be wearing black" said Mrs Johnson.
"Oh dear", said her companion, "maybe I should consider not going."

>4 hfglen: I thought the second lady was going to say she would have to dig out her wedding dress.

>5 pgmcc: I though she might go as Lady Godiva...

>6 fuzzi: Which is why she might consider not going. :D I know I would have to be scantily dressed if I were to attend such an event. Perhaps a few frills of lacy snippets here and there.

Describing my dress would reveal the
viability of my husband’s scalp...? Mine would be a high necked open back evening gown in black.

I searched for it online and found exactly what I need to buy, but it’s no longer available :-(

ETA a joke.

What did Shakespeare have for breakfast?

Hamlet

South African Railways Magazine reports that a Navajo gentleman runs (or ran in 1966) a garage called Honest Engine. Any Dragoneers ever heard of this establishment?

>No, but I do remember people saying that many years ago.

In San Angelo, Tx, there's a hair salon named Curl up and Dye.

The same source as in #9 mentions the difficulty of making arrangements for train passengers to, ahem, use the Cultural Amenities while stopped at a station. I am reminded of a (sadly, deceased) uncle who listed this as a problem of living in an effluent society. Apparently he once said this in the wrong place at the wrong time and brought the local branch of ASLEF out on strike in protest.

>11 WholeHouseLibrary: Carrie Fisher's character in The Blues Brothers had a salon by that name.

Someone posted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, you mean just like the ones grammar used to make.
Now I'm blocked.

(Facebook)

>13 fuzzi: so did dolly partons character in Steele Magnolias

>14 margd: hahaha. Love it.

>15 cindydavid4: it's been around a bit.

>15 cindydavid4: Pretty sure it was also the name of the salon in Runaway Bride.

>15 cindydavid4:
No, hers was Truvy's Beauty Spot; I always loved that name.

If a man has a foot fetish and he cheats on his wife, does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

>19 rgurskey: Oh, that's really bad. Naughty, too.

I saw a bunch of birds all stuck together,

I think they were velcrows.

HAhaha!

Q: How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
A: Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

>23 2wonderY: LOL

You might say there is a pronounced difference.

>21 rgurskey: HAHAHAHA!

I heard a good chiropractor joke the other day. Must've been about a week back now.

uggggggghhhhhhhh

>26 AHS-Wolfy: :D

My next-door neighbors made a sex tape last night. They don't know it yet, tho...

A little boy was so fond of the horses in his set of plastic toys that he put a couple of them in his mouth and accidentally swallowed them. His pediatrician described his condition as stable.

My car was in the shop so I decided to take a taxi to the launderette. Cost me £30… I felt like I'd been taken to the cleaners!

Q: Where do hamburgers & hot dogs go to dance?

A: They go to the Meat Ball!

Apparently, it's a mixer!

What is the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.

A duck was standing at a busy roadside, waiting for a break in the traffic as the cars go roaring by.
A chicken walks up and says "Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it."

>35 hfglen: Hearty laughter. Smile from Mrs H (who isn’t always on board with my sense of humour).

To be or not to be a horse rider; that is equestrian.

Preet Bharara: "Dad jokes. Go. (Hope this doesn’t get me kicked off the twitters)"
An hour later: "Wow people."
https://twitter.com/PreetBharara/status/1406799377558089728

Dad, turning to the obits in the morning paper:
Well, look at that. They died in alphabetical order again today.
My friends: Your dad is hilarious!!
Me: (facepalm emoji)
- Gwen Music @music_gwen | 10:31 PM · Jun 20, 2021

What’s the difference between people from Dubai vs people from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones, but those from Abu Dhabi do!
- Neily-oh: It’s not you, it’s me @neily_oh · 11h

Did you hear about the clairvoyant elf who escaped from prison?
He’s a small medium…at large!
- TrivWorks @TrivWorks | 10:46 PM · Jun 20, 2021

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Wonton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel & smacking pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight one evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. 1/2 of large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
12. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 1 million microphones = 1 phone
15. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
18. 52 cards = 1 decacards
19. 1 kilogram falling figs = 1 FigNewton
20. 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
21. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
22. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
23. 10 rations = 1 decoration
24. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
25. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
26. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
27. 2.4 statute miles intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital=1 IV League
28. 2000 pounds of laundry = a Washington
29. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
30. 365.25 days of dieting = 1 light year
32. Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle

- Jill Sullivan @JBEnglish1 | 11:58 PM · Jun 20, 2021

"Did my medicine do any good?" asked a doctor of his patient.
"A wonderful remedy, doctor. I took three spoonfuls and my cough went. I rubbed three spoonfuls into my knee for rheumatism, and the rest we used to clean the silver."

(Rhodesia Railways Magazine, January 1958)

>35 hfglen: bwahaha!

>37 rgurskey: hahaha...

>39 margd: :groan:

* What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Aye Matey!"

* It was in a nudist colony for intellectuals.
"I say, old boy, have you read Marx?"
"I sure have! It's these damn wicker chairs!"

>42 hfglen: Nice!

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said “No, is that still required?”

One of my sister's friends applied for US citizenship about a decade ago. At the interview, the Immigration Services officer asked "Could you name three Generals?" What he meant was to list names of high ranking military personnel. The applicant didn't take that way and said, "General Mills, General Electric, and General Motors!"

>44 2wonderY: even my dad laughed at that one! 🤣🤣🤣

Never blame anyone else for the road you're on.

That's your own asphalt.

>47 rgurskey: :giggle:

Q: My son has been eating electrical cords! What should I do?

A: Ground him until he conducts himself properly.

>49 2wonderY: ouch...

😁

Sometimes you might feel as if no one is there for you. But d’you know who is always there for you?

Laundry.

Laundry will always be there for you.

Q: Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?

A: So when they come back to port they can...

Scandinavian.

>49 2wonderY:
well that should shock him!

Does anyone have an owner’s manual for a spouse? Mine’s making a whining sound.

>52 2wonderY: :D

Q: Where did the Russian cybercriminal go?
A: I don't know, they ransomware.

- Jack Cable @jackhcable

>56 margd: ::groan::

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and shuffles right past you.

>58 rgurskey: :-)

Doctor: How's the child doing that swallowed those coins.
Nurse: No change yet.

"What time is it?"
"Quarter to"
"Quarter to what?"
"Dunno. Times are so bad I had to lay off one of the hands."

Went to a restaurant and decided to order something a little different than the norm. Went for the pelican burger in the end and quite enjoyed it. Though the bill was enormous.

>62 AHS-Wolfy: I stole this, haha!

>63 fuzzi: My friend had the parrot cake but that just kept repeating.

Got this from my five-year-old grandson, who I think must have gotten it from his nine-year-old sister:

"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Axolotl"
"Axolotl who?"
"You sure axolotl questions!"

>65 Jim53: :-)

A metallurgist is an expert who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.

I just saw an automobile being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.

It was a lamb bikini.

Q: Where do you bury dead mathematicians?

A: Asymmetry.

>69 hfglen: Definitely 3 loud groans for that, Hugh!

>69 hfglen: punny...

I wanted to join the debating society at university but somebody talked me out of it.

And to the person who stole my glasses:
I will find you
I have contacts

>55 hfglen: Ohhhhh....Yeahhhhhh ....Amtrak, eastbound in the pre-dawn hour :-)

The most recent XKCD comic

>74 rastaphrog: Excellent.

It's old but still...

A guy from Rhode Island is riding on a train and sitting next to him is a Texan.
They get to discussing train travel and some of its problems.
The Texan says, "Why my state is so big you can ride all day and all night on a train and still be in Texas."
The guy says, "Yeah, I know, we have slow trains like that in Rhode Island too."

>76 alco261: BWAHAHA!

Q: What do you call a snake that works for the government?
A: A civil serpent.

>76 alco261: (I'm guessing Rhode Island is your smallest state?)

>79 humouress: Yep. It's just a bit over 1000 sq miles.

>78 hfglen: hahahaha!!! that works on so many levels

Inside one of the big city train stations a stuffy rich lady approaches a porter at the top of the stairs leading down to the various train platforms and asks," Young man, which way do I go to board the train for the coast?"
The young man points down the steps and says with a smile," Go left and you'll be right!"
She responds, "I don't think that's very funny."
To which the young man says," Ok, then go right and you'll be left!"

Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.

>83 margd:
ROFL

Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism... It's a light sentence.

>85 rgurskey: lol

Apparently one can't use beef stew as a password.

It's not stroganoff.

:D

At the auto repair shop the mechanic said they couldn't fix my brakes so, as a precaution, they made my horn louder.

Seen on Facebook...

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, "What will you have?" The rabbit shakes his head and answers, "I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."

oh my, I just shared that to my wall, thanks for the morning laugh!

>89 rastaphrog: I had just got off the phone with my sister where we lamented that autocorrect always chooses the weirdest words to replace and often swaps our cousins' names on the family group chat when I read your post.

Frequently autocorrect suggests "Satan" instead of my last name. Make of that what you will.

I mistakenly picked up a Pritt Stick* when reaching for my lip balm. Can't complain though...

*Other glue stick makes are available for use in this joke.

>93 AHS-Wolfy: lol
Mum’s the word.

>93 AHS-Wolfy: In US back-to-school season I think of Elmer's Glue Stick!

When math teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

>96 rgurskey: Is there an aftermath though? I thought math was still a thing.

I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

Never visit a website called constipated.com as it won't let you log out.

However conjunctivitis.com is a sight for sore eyes.

Last night I dreamed I was eating a curry. When I woke up my pilau was gone.

Remember when you used to be able to get air for your tyres at your local petrol station for free? You have to pay for it now. That's inflation for you.

Did you hear about the guy who proposed to his girlfriend at the gym?

She said no.

I guess that didn't work out.

God: How many more animals do we have to make?

Angel: Two.

God: And how many legs do we have left?

Angel: 100

Centipede: Dibs!

Snake: A##hole!

My Dear Wife, you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not be upset that I will be spending the evening at the Comfort Inn Hotel with Chantelle, my 18-year-old secretary. Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a mathematics teacher. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant Rugby coach. He is young, virile, and (like your secretary) 18 years old. As a successful businessman with a mathematical brain, you will understand that we are in the same situation, but with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!

True story...
A long time ago, I turned 42. I generally ignore my birthdays as much as possible, but as a friend had a birthday within a few days of mine, one of the spouses decided it was a good excuse to have a party, so 4 couples, plus our kids, at my house.
My then-wife (ThiMs*, not MrsHouseLibrary) was four months younger than me; we graduated high school together, but didn't start dating until a few years later.
For all her (many) faults, she had a good sense of humor and with the kids out of earshot, she announced to our friends that, with me having turned 42, she was going to trade me in for two 21-year-olds. We all had a good laugh over it.
Well, four months later, she turned 42, and we got together with those same couples for another birthday celebration. I reminded everyone what she had announced at the previous party, and upped the game by saying that I was going to replace her with three fourteen-year-olds. The reactions were ... mixed.

* ThiMs - pronounced exactly as spelled. I have a habit of capitalizing pronouns in my acronyms when I can. During the divorce (some six years later), the judge admonished us to not speak poorly of the other to our kids.
So rather than say "your mom", I called her Thims: Thorn in My side. Because, she went out of her way to make the divorce as difficult, expensive and painful as possible. Our boys are all pretty damn smart. They knew what she was doing. It was the youngest of them (8 at the time) who started calling her PiDa (pea-duh) - Pain in Dad's ass.

I’ve started telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

>105 WholeHouseLibrary: wow, when I turned 42 my husband said I was now officially the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.....(see Douglas Adams as reference)

Have you heard the latest stats joke?
Probably...

>107 cindydavid4: I suspect this is one of the groups were there is little or no need to explain that one. :-) At work I have instilled in the minds of all my staff that the answer to everything is 42.

>109 pgmcc: I know, but I just in case. I have found on line its better not to make assumptions :)

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

I had a buddy get a Gucci tatoo on his ball sack.

He now has a designer bag.

People who are obsessed with making pancakes are flippin' mad.

Why are your fingers the most reliable part of your body?

You can always count on them.

Gravity.

Without it you just have gravy.

Get it?? :D

so an off topic language question. how did the word gravity mean both the universal force of attraction acting between all matter. . and a situation or event is its extreme importance or seriousness?

>117 cindydavid4: You mean a “weighty” matter?

heh, yes, which explains it i think.

This conversation is getting heavy.

ah come on, lighten up!

Gravity sucks.
It's also the cause of baldness.

I read a book about anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

>115 2wonderY: that's as bad as the old joke about the fastest way to lose a friend - just lose the "r"

I asked a librarian about an author who wrote about dinosaurs
she said 'try sara tops"

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…

ha!

Two cannibals were talking. First one asks "What's for dinner?"

"Left over Stu" came the reply.

A priest, a pastor & a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit if he knew waht his blood type was.

"Probably a Type O" replied the rabbit.

(Hmm, no wonder I always had a problem with my spelling test when I was a kid… proboably I’m a typo as well.)

Not quite accurate, but you get the gist-

Cow farts come from the dairy air.
👨‍🌾

>131 2wonderY: A SIL's family raises cattle, and she is vehemently hostile to idea that the animals contribute to climate change. Some day I will work that quip into the conversation, I promise you! :D

And if I had current links to coal miners:

DOCTOR: How can I help you?
YOU: My body hurts everywhere...
DOCTOR: What do you do for a living?
YOU: I work in a mine
DOCTOR: Ah! Minor aches and pains eh?

Swiped from Facebook

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

He: Who is your favorite literary vampire?

She: The one in Sesame Street.

He: He doesn’t count.

She: I can assure you that he does.

After the honeymoon, Tom was welding some stuff in the garage for fun.

His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've just been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend so much of your time out here in your garage and could consider selling some of your machinery and stuff…like your gun collection, fishing gear, boat, and lose all those stupid model airplanes. And sell that vintage hot rod sports car, and dump that home brewing kit”…Tom got a horrified look on his face and silently stared at her.. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, “Nothing…but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom replied, “I wasn’t…."

>134 2wonderY: i love the Count!

Why isn't Cinderella good at soccer?
Because her coach is a pumpkin and she keeps running away from the ball.

From here, which has quite a few more.

I'm in court next week for defacing library books. I tippexed all the full stops out of them...

My solicitor reckons I'm looking at a long sentence!

I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It's a oughtobiography.

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and a blonde says “Whow what a great chest you have!”
He says “100 pounds of dynamite, Babe!”
He takes off his pants and the blonde says “What massive calves you have!”
He replies, “That’s 100 pounds of dynamite, Babe!”
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running; screaming in fear. He puts his clothes on and chases after her. He catches her and asks why she ran like that. The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was.”

You may need to know Brit recreations for this:

She: Have you seen the dog bowl?
He: I didn't even know he played cricket.

'Is there a reason that Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film?'

'Yeah. It's because he's got "No Time to Dye"'

In Athens, no one wakes up before noon.
Dawn is tough on Greece.

-FB

Also by >143 margd: esle thread
Back in my day, there was so much toilet paper that people used to literally string it up in the trees of their enemies.

And I love the one above as well!

>140 rgurskey: omg!!!!!

Vulcanology was the love of my life but I'll never go back to it. I've been burned before.

I bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

>147 rgurskey:
I must get a pair of those. :-)

>148 pgmcc: I must remember to, too.

Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: how do you drive this thing?

>147 rgurskey: BWAHAHA!

So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Did you know that they don't have Bigfoot in Europe?

But they do have his cousin, Bigmeter.

>153 ScoLgo:
I think you mean, "Bigmetre". :-)

>154 pgmcc: You say 'to-may-to', they say 'to-mah-to', I say 'toe-mah-toe'... ;)

>155 ScoLgo: lol

>152 Darth-Heather: I love this!

I'm trying to learni speed reading. I've just read 'War and Peace' in a matter of seconds.

OK, it's only 3 words but at least it's a start.

>158 AHS-Wolfy:
"I took a speed reading course; read "War and Peace" in 20 minutes. It involves Russia." -- Woody Allen

Last night i had a dream i weighed less then a thousandth of a gram, i was like 0mg.

- SindaFukinRella @SindaFukinRella |7:35 AM · Oct 30, 2021

A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan.

>161 rgurskey: aha! the perfect motto for this thread! :)

When I was young I was stupid. But after many years of hard study I am no longer young.

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross country adventure.

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Justin Bonello, writing in Cooked in Africa, reminds us that on a proper vacation, a deadline can only mean a big cat that didn't make it.

Smbc has a groanworthy math pun here: http://smbc-comics.com/comic/zed

Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: Bird flu needs tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

Last night I watched a fascinating documentary on cocaine. I think I'll watch all documentaries that way.

>168 Jim53: lol

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.

A Pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the congregation, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

You come from dust, you will return to dust.

That's why I don't dust.
It could be someone I know.

>164 rgurskey: Do you think when Pavlov hears a bell ring he gets an urge to feed his dogs?

>172 rgurskey:: Must remember that one. Need an excuse for not dusting. I used to quote Quentin Crisp (I think) civil servant who claimed that after a certain level the dust level stayed more or less the same. Perhaps someone will correct my memory on this.

I mistakenly drank a bottle of disappearing ink. I'm now sitting in the emergency room waiting to be seen.

>175 rgurskey: Do they know they have to pass you back and forwards over an open flame before they can see you?

>175 rgurskey: I don't see what your problem is.

>175 rgurskey: You made that up, didn't you?

I think the doctors will see through you .. .. ..

Who are you guys writing to? #175 is blank.

>179 WholeHouseLibrary: I don't see what you mean. 👀

>181 AHS-Wolfy: Can't see the image there.

>181 AHS-Wolfy: Nice one, >175 rgurskey: Will be proud of you. 😊

bad link stay tuned

somehow I unstarred this thread, so I had a very enjoyable time going through about two months worth of puns and funnies. Thanks for the laughs and moans (and I am now starred)

>182 -pilgrim-: That better?

>187 AHS-Wolfy: Yep. :D

>181 AHS-Wolfy: Grate shot .. .. .. ..

>181 AHS-Wolfy: That’s a grate joke.

Q: What's bigger than the biggest nutmeg ever?
A: A nutmeg gr(e)ater.

From a Victorian Christmas cracker.

I don't know ... that joke kind of rubs me the wrong way.

>192 WholeHouseLibrary: Too nutty for you?

I find the whole grater thing ... chaffing.

When does a joke turn into a Dad joke?
When it's apparent.

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician.

I told my suitcases no vacation this year.
Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

The Blake-Eyed Peas can sing us a tune
but the chick peas can only hummus one.

I'm not adding this year to my age.
I didn't use it.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists,
do not play dead.

Don't be sad
Because sad backwards is das
and das not good.

It amazes me how much exercise
and extra fries sound alike.

Before I agree to (2022)
I need to see some terms and conditions.

Not sure what's scarier at this point
--taking my temp or weighing myself.

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny.

I started a dating site for chickens.
It's not my day job.
I do it to make hens meet.

...

https://funcatz.com/2021/10/31/vetsign/2/

Q: What do you call two rows of brassicas?
A: A dual cabbageway.

What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

What dinosaur knew the most words?
A thesaurus.

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel with a poodle and a rooster?
A cocker poodle doo.

https://funcatz.com/2021/12/12/morevetsign/2/

>196 hfglen: I've lived too long in the US--I had to look that one up! :D

Lance is an uncommon name these days, but in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

>199 rgurskey: But they had to learn that once a night was enough .. .. ..

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She whispered, "They're right behind you..."

>201 AHS-Wolfy: Once again you've made me LOL. How do you do that !!! 😊

>201 AHS-Wolfy: Thanks, I needed that! :-)

Why did the ram run over the cliff.

He didn't see the ewe turn.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.

My singing coach is so selfish. It's always "mi mi mi" with him.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms.

>207 rgurskey: *laughing so much I choked*

I was told that “the correct spelling of school is school. Some people put the second o before the first o and that is incorrect.” I checked all of my messages and made sure that I spelled correctly. I went further to check out my hand written messages and found that all of my Os were in mirror writing.

>209 Yamanekotei: Cool .. .. .. , Sorry, Cool .. .. ..

>209 Yamanekotei: Ohhh! I may have been spelling it wrong all this time.

Really? You've been spelling schooool w-r-o-n-g all this time?
(Apologies for my typo. It's a bad habit, like teh.)

>39 margd: This one really did make me laugh .. .. ..

5. Weight one evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

ETA: Astonishing how narrow some newly arrived reader's sense of humour can become.

>213 Novak: Since when has the GD turned into a location for posting atheist propaganda? (Or religious for that matter.)

I hear Apple is working on a smart car, but they're having trouble installing windows.

>215 foggidawn: Love it !! That will make it a hard drive .. .. ..

What do you call a patronizing criminal going down a set of stairs? A condescending con descending!

From here : https://notalwaysright.com/date/2021/02/page/23/

>213 Novak:

I have a healthy supply of religious (and also political) jokes. I just un
derstood from the pinned notice that religious and political content is not welcomed here.

I note that you have been a member for over a decade and therefore ARE undoubtedly aware if what is acceptable. So if you are using your "elder status" to inform me that attacks on political or religious beliefa of others are fine, providing some pretence at humour us made, I will be happy to supply material in that vein - although, as matter of simple good taste, I tend to collect jokes that mock my own beliefs, rather than those of others.

IHowever, if this is true, I have two questions:
(1) why have you removed the link to a long list of anti-religious jokes from the original version of your and substituted a milder attempt at humour?
(2) why is this, rather bizarre, exemption to the T&Cs of this pub not clearly stated in the introductory post? It would seem only reasonable for such a clause to be notified to ALL members, and not simply an elite few.

To have different rules for different members makes the GD seem simply a club for hypocrites.

My friend David had his ID stolen the other day. Now we just call him Dav.

>214 -pilgrim-: I agree, if religious jokes of any kind are taboo along with the political, that needs to be put up top. There was the one about the preacher and his wife, how he wanted her to keep giving him children, and didn't see a notice about that.

>219 2wonderY: That is just brilliant. 😊 I am going to steal that and use it to make others, laugh and laugh and laugh, thank you and keep it up .. .. ..

>221 Novak: Steal away. That’s how I got it.

>218 -pilgrim-: Just because someone is a member of LibraryThing does not mean they are aware of the rules in the Green Dragon. It looks like you complained and the member removed the joke(s) you found offensive. I do not understand why you are now complaining that the post you were offended by was edited. Isn't that what you wanted?

For future reference, if this happens again you should POLITELY ask the poster to edit or remove the post without resorting to accusations and assumptions, and then contact one of the admins. Also, while contacting the admins you should POLITELY inform them of your issue, and refrain from further uncalled for accusations and assumptions.

Thanks for that, Clam.

And, on a lighter note, or back to the business of this thread ...
Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was amputated?

He's all right now.

>224 WholeHouseLibrary: Good one! :o)

>225 clamairy: Gee thanks. I wish I had made up myself.
I did, however, stretch that out into a 45-minute story to entertain my kid's Scout troop while waiting for the traffic-delayed speaker to arrive.
Even now at the monthly camping trips, the still do the "Mr. Lynch jokes" challenge.

>226 WholeHouseLibrary: You've done it again. You've got the two O s in "troop" reversed. It should read: troop, not troop. Closer attention needed. See: >209 Yamanekotei:

Why is the dieting advice to "eat light" so dangerous?

Because that is how you become a black hole.

>227 Novak: Yeah, like I said before - a bad habit. You'd think that, as a copy editor who can spot extra spaces at the end of a line of text, I could get that backwardly done double o right the first time. Just a great example of why writers should never trust themselves to edit their own manuscripts. It's very much like the Spanish Inquisition -- you never see them coming.

>229 WholeHouseLibrary:

My doctor asked if I had had mumps.

I replied only once only once.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with our no politics/no religion policy:
https://www.librarything.com/topic/329997#7724923

>227 Novak: But how do you remember which way round they go? Is there a mnemonic?

>232 humouress: Alphabetically, of course!

>233 WholeHouseLibrary: Oh, right. Of course.

Now I'm going to have to say the alphabet every time.

>233 WholeHouseLibrary: & >234 humouress:
Except after Z.

>235 pgmcc:

What? Like Zoo? .. .. .. Sorry, Zoo.

>236 Novak:
Now you get it. It took too long.
Correction: took.
Correction: too.

>237 pgmcc: Now look here you people, this is getting out of hand.

>233 WholeHouseLibrary: This cannot be just alphabetical. Think like James Bond 007. He never gets it wrong.

>238 Novak: Z00?

zzzzzzoooommmm

>239 humouress: ZO0M 😍 Sorry: Z0OM.

>240 cindydavid4: That was funny they were both posted here the same second.

>242 Novak: heh! great minds think alike!

This is a good one.

“Guys, I need your help. In the middle of an argument, my wife told me I was right. What the hell do I do next?”

>245 clamairy: LOL!!

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability."

!HAHAHAHAHAHA!

>245 clamairy: Good one!

... And that's when the divorce began ....

>247 rgurskey: Wonderful.

>246 ScoLgo: & >249 Karlstar: Thank you. :o)

Test for narcissism

Take a moment to think about yourself.

If you made it this far, you're not a narcissist.

>252 AHS-Wolfy:
Brilliant!

What's behind the second spoiler mask?

>253 pgmcc: I don't think you're ready for that ;0)

For the older crowd

Q: Do you wear boxers or briefs?

A: Depends!

🤣
Be proud! Astronauts are using them too now.

Here's a couple

People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.

My dad always said to me, “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number” so I did.
Account balance: $9.11.

Why was the lamb put in time out?
He made some baa-d choices.