Wendy Mogel

A truly helpful framework for thinking of parenting, with common sense drawn from psychology and Judaism, and many practical examples.

Quotes/Notes

[On Friday night rituals] We went around the table and took turns describing the best things that happened during the week (27)

Three cornerstone principles of Jewish living are moderation, celebration, and sanctification. Through these principles we can achieve a balanced life (34)

Accept that your children are both unique and ordinary. (36)

Psychologist Michael Thompson says that we make unfairly "generic" demands on our adolescents: "It is the only period in your life where you're expected to do all things well. Adults don't hold themselves to those standards." ...The age at which we expect children to become very good at everything is getting lower. (43)

[On preparing for the future] The only things that are certain to be valuable are character traits such as honesty, tenacity, flexibility, optimism, and compassion - the same traits that have served people well for centuries. (44)

Attributes of temperament: emotional intensity, persistence, flexibility, sensitivity, energy, first reactions to new situations, mood, sociability. (52-53)

One of the most generous gifts you can give your child is to study her temperament, and once you've learned it, work to accept it. (53)

[British pediatrician and psychoanalyst] Donald Winnicott [says] "inherited potential will be realized" when "the environmental provision is adequate." Adequate, not exceptional...in order to flourish, children don't need the best of everything. Instead they simply need what is good enough. (54-55)

It's not necessary to discover why children are sarcastic or sulky; the point is to get them to change their behavior, not to improve their mood. Children need to learn to be polite regardless of how they are feeling. (76)

...your expectations must be clear, you must be calm, firm, and convinced, and your commitment to following through must be evident to your children. (82-83)

The family is the laboratory, and you are teaching the science of living. (83)

[On the importance of greeting, even for shy children] Make eye contact. A trick is to look to see the color of the other person's eyes. Begin a greeting with the person's name. Smile. (85)

Within the family and beyond it, one of the wisest things we can teach and practice is the wisdom of holding back if we cannot say something positive. (87)

Our job is to raise our children to leave us. The children's job is to find their own path in life. (90)

...as our children mature, we need to withdraw from smoothing their path and satisfying all their wishes. By giving them a chance to survive some danger and letting them make some reckless or thoughtless choices, we teach them how to withstand the bumps and knocks of life. This is the only way children will mature into resilient, self-reliant adults. (93)

If parents rush in to rescue them from distress, children don't get an opportunity to learn that they can suffer and recover on their own. (96)

[On worrying and "what if?" questions] Well, what if one of those things did happen? You would size up the problem and make some changes. (96-97)

Cited: The Culture of Fear: Why Americans Are Afraid of the Wrong Things by Barry Glassner (103)

Treating children's daily distresses as an expected and unalarming part of life is an effective way to discourage them from turning small difficulties into big dramas. (112-113)

We live fully by balancing two forces: our burning passions and our ability to exercise self-restraint....Doing the right thing is more important than feeling the right feelings...changed behavior can lead to changed feelings. (117)

[On wants vs. needs] Let's look at the short list of things that children are fully entitled to: respectful treatment, heathful food, shelter from the weather, practical and comfortable clothing, yearly checkups at the pediatrician and the dentist, and a good education. Everything else is a privilege. (122)

In our house we go around the table each week at Shabbat dinner and say our "gratitudes." (128)

[On chores] By teaching our children a habit of responsibility at an early age, we give them the confidence to take on ever-more complex challenges as they grow older....Ordinary chores are the foundation of our children's character and spiritual well-being. (135)

It's true that many of the tasks very young children can do won't really save you any time, but if you view them in terms of your child's future self-reliance, it may help you slow down and encourage their early efforts. (140)

"Humans are the only creatures that devote energy to making their offspring 'happy.' The rest of the animal kingdom is devoted to fostering competence to survive in the world." -psychologists Donald Akutagawa and Terry Whitman (141)

When instructing your children about the chores you want them to do, be friendly, matter-of-fact, brisk, and specific. You can avoid misunderstandings by having your children repeat back to you, in their own words, what you've asked of them. (149)

...it's not the severity of a consequence that has an impact on children but the certainty. Same goes for rewards. (paraphrasing Barbara Coloroso, 155)

[On food and picky eaters] "Would you like some [x]?" --> "Yes, please" or "No, thank you." (Or, let children serve themselves from serving platters.)

Cited: Louise Bates Ames and Frances Ilg, Gesell Institute, Your One-Year-Old, Your Two-Year-Old, etc. (188)

...you can limit the damage you can do if you are willing to own up to your mishegas. It may be that...you got away with your particular brand of craziness until you became a parent. (190)

Avoid using the words always and never. (199)

...redefine most of what your child considers entitlements as privileges to be earned....Change "if...then" to "when...then." (206)

Time can be seen as a resource to be utilized or a treasure to be enjoyed. Judaism asks parents to do both. (210)

[On Shabbat] You have to work so hard to prepare to stop. (213)

Often your children will have to do things more quickly than is natural for them. Try to balance this high-pressure time with time that is leisurely. (228)

Parents have a paradoxical mission. We have to work hard not to provide our children with interesting things to do. Children need a chance to build up their boredom tolerance muscle. (229)

[On religion] By definition, organized means standardized, systematic, and planned. Organized doesn't mean spontaneous and creative. (255)… (plus d'informations)

I am really, really glad I don't have a teenager. But if I did, I'd want this book by my side. Mogel does a good job outlining strategies on how to provide both independence and limits to teens who crave the former and need the latter (but would die of shame before admitting it). I particularly appreciate that she approaches these issues through a Jewish lens, though I feel like she did more of that in her previous book, "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee". I also feel that parents should be empowered to intervene in cases of emotional emergency (such as bullying) and not just physical ones -- maybe she could include that in an updated edition. Even with these quibbles this is still a lifeline for parents of teenagers, whether Jewish or otherwise.… (plus d'informations)

There's a bit to much God in here for my culturally Jewish taste, but there's also valuable parenting advice that is applicable beyond the Jewish family. I appreciated Mogel's insistance that children be allowed to be children, rather than being so heavily scheduled and regimented that no room for simple childhood pleasures remain. The idea that a parent's role is to help her child grow into a responsible, self-reliant, caring adult who contributes to her community also resonated with me. Mogel find support for these ideas in the Torah; for me, the ideas have enough merit in themselves and don't require the back-up of Jewish teachings to make them vaild. Never-the-less, I have recommended this book to many people and will probably re-read it myself when I have children.… (plus d'informations)