Jay McGraw

Jay McGraw 19s 1CLife Strategies for Dealing with Bullies 1D is primarily aimed at an audience of people who are about twelve years old, although he obviously intends for their parents and teachers to read it too. But adult readers will not only recall experiences of their children and students being bullied, but they will find themselves transported back to their own adolescence. The book has the inescapable power to bring back anyone 19s emotion-laden memories of being bullied, bullying others, or seeing others being bullied.

McGraw (the son of 1CDr. Phil 1D McGraw of TV and pop psychology fame) does a thorough enough job of covering his topic. Chapters deal with defining bullying, the wide range of damage bullying does from psychological scarring to numerous cases of death, often by suicide. McGraw implies that murder of bullies by their victims is also a possible outcome, but he does not mention a single famous instance, although Columbine comes to my mind. (He does point out that in instances of violent retaliation by victims, the bystanders get hurt as often 14or more often 14than the bullies.)

Eventually he discusses strategies for dealing with bullies, but first of all, he believes, knowledge is indispensable. There are chapters addressed to each of the roles in the bullying phenomenon: victims, bullies, bystanders (McGraw argues that there are no innocent bystanders), parents, and teachers. (Statistics back up what you might guess: a lot of bullying takes place in schools, although an increasing amount is starting in school but spilling onto the Internet.) All of the players are potentially part of the solution to the problem of bullying, but it is necessary to marshal them. Any one of them could start solving the problem by enlisting the help of the others.

To the victim, McGraw offers the message 1CIt is not your fault. 1D But that does not mean that there is nothing the victim can do about it. Realizing that you do not deserve to be bullied is the necessary first step before you can tell the bully to cut it out and mean it. Moreover, since telling the bully to cut it out is probably not going to have the desired effect the first couple of times, it is important that the target of the bullying keep telling himself that he deserves better treatment than this so that when he says 1Ccut it out 1D the tenth time, he believes it as much or more than he did the first time. (Bullying is not a onetime thing but a repeated pattern of harassment.) Eventually, this is going to take its toll on the bully whose payoff usually lies in wearing his victim down to passive submission. If that submission doesn 19t occur, bullying could get to seem more like work than fun.

If the target of the bullying enlists friends to join in complaining about the bullying, the social cost to the bully can only increase. This is why bullies prefer to pick on kids who have few or no friends. It is also why bullies count on bystanders either just continuing to stand by or getting involved by helping the bully. McGraw advises targets of bullying to work on making friends because the social dimension is the most effective deterrent. McGraw relates a true story about a school in Canada where bullies picked on a boy who came to school in a pink shirt. Numerous students showed solidarity with the victim by arriving the next day in pink shirts. Some students even wore all-pink outfits. What were a small handful of bullies to do? Pick on everyone in school? Talk about turning 1Cfun 1D into hard work!

McGraw also argues in favor of telling adults about the bullying. He recognizes that this strategy requires overcoming the unwritten law against telling tales on other kids, so he argues that telling a teacher that Johnny has used a four-letter word is tattling just to get Johnny in trouble, but telling the teacher that Mike knocked you down and took your lunch money is not tattling 14it is a quest for justice. McGraw urges students who are targeted by bullies to talk to parents, teachers, vice-principals, friends, acquaintances, or anyone who might be able to help. He encourages bystanders to act as well. Bullying is everyone 19s problem, and what the author hopes to encourage is a support system for victims in order to short-circuit the bullying.

Some readers might wonder if McGraw 19s definition of bullying is too broad. It is true that bullies come in both sexes and that bullying among girls can often be more subtle and tends to rely on verbal harassment and rumor mongering, but is snubbing someone or not picking someone to play on your team bullying, or is it rather a correlative of it? That is, the kid who is not picked to be on anyone 19s team is probably also being bullied. Snubbing might turn out to be part of a pattern of bullying, but by itself might not necessarily be the same as bullying.

McGraw has written several books to help adolescents deal with the problems of growing up. Other titles include 1CLife Strategies for Teens 1D and McGraw gives a taste of the lessons from that more general book when he finds them applicable to the specific problem of bullying. Each chapter ends with a summary and, often, a series of questions for journal exercises. There are also delightful illustrations by cartoonist Steve Bjorkman who not only captures scenes of bullying but suggests the inner experiences of both bullies and their victims.

McGraw uses simple language because he is addressing twelve-year-olds. Indeed, it has been suggested that bullying and other problems on the campuses of American middle schools are contributing to young people being so distracted from their studies that if McGraw were to use an even slightly more elevated vocabulary than he does, he would be in danger of losing his primary audience. Whether this is true or not, McGraw 19s conversational style makes it seem as if he dictated the entire book into a tape recorder and then typed it up without sufficient corrections. The least of these are grating locutions like 1Ctry and do it 1D instead of 1Ctry to do it. 1D Other aspects of his style become more troubling when they attack readers 19 ability to comprehend what McGraw is trying to get across.

For example, on page 122 McGraw writes:

1CSometimes kids endure bullying silently when they are better off using their brains to see if they can solve the problem by working it out directly with whoever they are having issues with. 1D

There are blackboard grammarians who would take McGraw to task for various 1Csins 1D in the above passage, but I won 19t squawk about the use of 1Cthey are better off 1D instead of 1Cthey would be better off, 1D the use of 1Cwhoever 1D instead of 1Cwhomever, 1D or even his ending a sentence with the preposition 1Cwith. 1D No, what gets me is the use of two 1Cwiths 1D when both of them modify the same word, 1Cwhoever. 1D He uses way more words than he needs in order to get his meaning across. (This seems to prove what I have been told about the publishing industry: At one time, a writer who turned in a manuscript to an editor could expect some editing to be done, but nowadays, if a writer can 19t write, he will find that his editor can 19t edit, either.)

On page 90 there is an example of a worse mistake:

1CIf you 19re a bully, you need to change. You need to figure out just what it is you think you are getting from mistreating other kids, and you need to figure out how to substitute that payoff for something more positive. 1D

No, the bully is already substituting a negative payoff for something more positive. This is at least the second time in this book that McGraw says the opposite of what he means. It 19s precisely the kind of thing you need a good editor to find and fix. In this case, it could have been remedied by rewriting the passage to read 1C 26you need to replace that payoff with something more positive. 1D

Such qualms aside, 1CLife Strategies for Dealing with Bullies 1D offers thought-provoking and useful ways to look at a widespread and even dangerous social problem.… (plus d'informations)

Self-Help Book

McGraw, J. (2008). Life strategies for dealing with bullies. New York: Aladdin.

Life Strategies for Dealing with Bullies begins with an extensive explanation about the different types of bullying, the types of bullies, and the damages caused by bullying. Each chapter ends with a summary and journal exercises. The relevant cartoon-style illustrations support the information throughout the book.
Even though the book claims to be aimed at the age group of 9-13, it actually seems that it would be more accepted by younger readers. The style of writing often seems as though the author is lecturing the reader, as opposed to encouraging or being supportive. McGraw often uses all capital letters or repeats a sentence for emphasis as though the reader did not get it the first time. The life strategies, as promised by the title, don’t actually come until after the first hundred pages. Frequently throughout the first hundred pages, McGraw also states that he will get to the strategies “later.” I am not sure how many young readers would be willing to wait for the strategies. Grades 4-6.… (plus d'informations)