Jane Gross (–2022)

In dealing with my mother's recent decline, this book recommended by my colleague Sharon was a godsend.

New York Times journalist and blogger Jane Gross describes the long slow process of her own mother's decline and both good and bad decisions made along the way. The book is packed with helpful advice and by reading it you gain a good view of what is fracked up with our health and government systems for dealing with the elderly.

Wondering if your mother or father are starting a decline? Did you know that a simple test--can they rise from a chair without holding on to anything is a good indicator that they are on the way down? I know! And you'll find this and more in the pages here.… (plus d'informations)

Eye-opening in many ways, this book is somewhat repetitive if read straight through because of many of the chapters' being written originally as a blog, but extremely informative and unsentimental. The scariest passage for me was this: "It's heresy, I know, to tell friends, colleagues, blog readers, and the like that a parent over eighty-five is not likely to die quickly, easily, or without full-time assistance with the activities of daily living. The data confirming this fact, however, are compelling and uncontested by the experts. Deny that data and make avoiding a nursing home your goal, and the odds are you will subject your parent to excessive, pointless, and damaging relocations. That was the case with my mother."… (plus d'informations)

This book is an invaluable guide for those who find that they have become caretakers for a relative or friend who can no longer care for themselves. The knowledge and the insights are both professional and personal. Ms. Gross is the founder of the New York Times' "New Old Age" blog, and -- before it became personally relevant to her -- knew a whole lot more about aging in the U.S. than most of us do. But it is the personal that dominates. After her 85 year old mother suddenly needed help (lots of help) she found that there was a great deal she didn't know, and a host of unpleasant things she had to learn.

Having had a similar experience, I only wish that I had read this book sooner, rather than midway through the process of arranging someone else's new and diminished life. In my case the person who needed help wasn't a parent, it was a dear friend with ovarian cancer and a traumatic brain injury and no contact with her family. But the many of the problems are the same, though the emotional impact is doubtless far less. Many other reviewers have listed Ms. Gross most important pieces of advice, but the one I most wish I had known early on is -- FIND A DOCTOR WHO WILL BE IN CHARGE. My fellow caregiver and I spent a massive amount of time trying to deal with miscommunication between doctors, trying to make sure that our friend was getting all the care she needed, and trying to be sure that her basic needs were attended to. As so many have said, most of the individuals we dealt with were reasonable, professional, caring people. But the system that is supposed to link them together doesn't work. This means that you, the caregiver, must do so. If you can't, as we could not indefinitely, finding a skilled and responsible care manager can be a godsend. But it's not cheap.

A final note: as one goes though the caregiving experience, and as one reads this book, it becomes increasingly clear that there are very good odds that one (really!) will become the care-givee oneself, or that one's spouse will do so, or that both will! This has made me think about some very hard-edged choices that I may have to make in the not-too-distant future. Best not to be taken by surprise. In this sense, as well as in others, this book is a godsend.… (plus d'informations)